No News Isn’t Necessarily Good News

Tuesday, Nov 8th, 2011 — You’re excited about the prospects of your future, yet obvious obstacles still need to be handled before you can consider yourself successful. You could even feel waves of discouragement today if you focus on how much work there is still left to finish. It’s helpful to take a few moments and think about your recent changes, carefully observing where your horizons have grown. However, don’t waste precious energy looking back, for time marches on and you must live in the present.

This horoscope has started me writing my blog again. It’s Tuesday, Nov. 8, 2011. I think I stopped after I had my mastectomy. Maybe because it was so life changing, hard to describe or I just needed to heal from the whole pain of this cancer thing. But reading this horoscope today made me want to write…I needed to write to dump what was boiling inside of me.

To bring this up to date, I am awaiting lab results from my latest. I had my final herceptin infusion on  this past thursday which included a mammogram and an ultra sound of my right breast. I was so nervous, I cannot tell you how scared I was to go to this appointment. And yet, I had good results, at first. I laid on the gurney waiting for the radiologists to come into the room and she said to me, “Ms. VanBibber, I see two small cysts and they are usually fluid filled and of no problem. I am going to write a good report for you to give to your oncologist, your next appointment.” YIPPIE…I PASSED…..I was so relived and felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my heart. And I went gleefully to my next appointment and while waiting I called several of my closest friends to share the good news. …Had to Stop Writing for a moment and I know you don’t even know this…but meeting with my Oncologist she was as happy and she said to me,” let’s get that port our of your chest NOW….I am going to send in the nurse to discuss when that can take place and I think the sooner the better for you. You are doing great! All your labs are great and you look fantastic and happy and healthy.”…..nurse comes into my examining room and tells me to dress and we discussed what was a good date for my surgery for removal of the port for my infusions. We decided next Friday, Nov. 18 and I can have someone come with me since I do have to have anesthesia and cannot drive myself afterwards….All Happy and on top of the world I reached for the door knob and my Oncologist pushed the door open and with a concerned look on her face she said there was a change…the person that read the mammogram is concerned about the cysts and so was she after she looked at the films and I was going to have to have a needle stereo tactic biopsy. Please go to the scheduling office to set this up NOW. I fell completely apart and my knees buckled to the floor…I had CANCER in my right breast….NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo please GOD, NOOOOOOOOOO…..I couldn’t think, I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t do anything, can’t you understand what you have just said to me? I wanted to slap her in the face, beat the living shit out of her…make her hurt like she had just hurt me..somebody let me hurt you…my life was finally coming together after this year-long miserable thing I had just experienced…cancer, I lost my breast and my whole body changed rapidly over this long year, everything about me is altered…everything…my insides, my outsides and your telling me in less than 2 minutes that I have to do this again!!!   I called my new boyfriend and told him…we are in love and this just can’t be happeneing…not again….I called my girlfriends AGAIN and told them…there has been a mistake…devestated was not the word…my appointment was the very next day for the biopsy. How I got from that clinic to my house in the car is beyond me. I drove through traffic 16 miles in a daze. The biopsy was the next day, Friday last week. Today is Tuesday and I will know for 100% on Wednesday if I have cancer again in my other breast…BUT on the bright side….the technican/or physician that did the biopsy to me the next day on Friday,  as I was dressing said to me….”Ms. VanBibber, I’m not suppose to tell you this but I am pretty sure your cysts are benign, I’ve seen too many that look like this…I said what? you are SURE? she said, “Yes, but you do need to wait till Wednesday for the lab reports!”….So, right then and there I decided that I do not have cancer again for today and tomorrow and for Saturday and for Sunday and now today is Tuesday…but my patience is wearing thin….I need that phone call…I’m anxious today. ….the waiting is the hardest and I have decided if it isn’t benign, and I have to do this all over again, I will….don’t ever say to me that if I got cancer Sam, I wouldn’t go through what you are going through,  I would just get my affairs in order and sit back and wait till I died….whatever, you never can say that till you walk in someones’ shoes and until you hear those words, YOU GOT CANCER!

WOW, I feel better now that I got this off my chest and in my blog. I can go on with my day….thanks for reading and I will report the updated news as soon as I hear something.

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One Response to No News Isn’t Necessarily Good News

  1. deborah says:

    Glad to see you back here. I think it helps all of us for you to share this with
    us.

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