Hope is All I Got Left

Had my surgical  appointment and after visiting with the nurse, the P.A., and then finally the surgeon and up and down elevators to one office after another I’m home but not for long. I have to be back at MD Anderson at 7 pm tonight for a 4 hour infusion of blood, 2 pints of blood. Seems my hemoglobin/blood count is so low if I had surgery as it is now, I would bleed out in the OR and most probably die, which is definitely not what I had planned on this week. I got to ride in the Art Car Parade, find a job  or something to produce income, go see my family in Memphis, and basically grow my hair back…so, I’m just way too busy to die this week.  My potassium is way off too and that also has to be brought up so I don’t have heart failure. My surgeon told me I was one of her special patients and all this has to be totally right by Monday April 18 in order to have my surgery. And my tumor shrunk considerably which is a good thing but since I have 9 other suspicious cancerous cells and the 23 lymph nodes that were under my arm all cancerous, I will have to have a total left breast mastectomy. DAMN IT…I really favored my left breast and with her sister,  the right girl, they hold up my blouse and make me look like a girl. I cannot have an insert because of the aggressive radiation that I’m about to have after the surgery, they want me flat as possible. Damn bitches….they are just jealous because I have nice large breasts…I just know it….and only part of me is kidding on that note. I know that without this surgery, before I get another lecture, is necessary for my life to continue. But I guarantee you that if you are a woman I can’t imagine that you would not be feeling pretty badly facing what I’m about to face right this moment. I do want the cancerous cells out of me but looking down and my seeing my breast is gone is going  to be a hard one for me. I’ve always been the little girl with the big boobs. And Yes, I know I’m not my breasts…I’m scared, I’m really scared, I’m sad, I’m mad, angry, I want to turn back the clock and make this never never happen to me or to anyone…I hate cancer…what am I going to wear, I can’t get my breast reconstruction for 6 months and cannot even get the little bump they first told me because of the radiation. I just want to scream and throw something and beat the walls…if you only knew how tired I am of this whole damn thing It consumes my every waking moment. I don’t get a break, I wake up in the morning and I remember  oh shit, I have cancer…at least I’m not facing chemo again. I have been told by other survivors that the surgery was the easiest part of this whole process.  Well, I’ll let you know if that holds true for me. And just a note about food. Someone just made dinner for me, a fantastic cook, a tuna pasta dish with peas and carrots and crunchy stuff and cheesy…and it tastes exactly like chewing up cardboard. Sometimes I can taste my food and sometimes fluid taste like metal and food tastes like cardboard…yet another side effect of the chemo. I will be glad when I can taste my food everyday. My nails are so ugly, yellow, black and brown on the ends of my fingertips and they are numb, tingling and hurt . The removal of my breast tissues, I was told will probably make my lymphodema worse, in other words, my arm is going to get fatter and swell even more and be numb yet it hurts, my skin is stretched almost to the max it feels like…bitch bitch bitch…that is all I do it seems like. Where is the light, where is my roses, not been such a good day. Yet, I keep on keeping on and trudging through this because I know other women that have made it to the other side, Seeing them gives me hope and hope is all we all got.

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4 Responses to Hope is All I Got Left

  1. Noreen says:

    Hope is just what you need: the confident expectation of good things to come!

    (But in the short term, there’s no two ways about it. It really stinks!)

  2. Randy Keith says:

    and Love. Lots and lots of L O V E … and money. Lots and lots of M O N E Y.
    sounds like you need another fund raiser. Ca U hear me, Mitch??!! R U listening, Mitch??!!

  3. LA Lizz says:

    You will be smelling the roses and dancing again Sam. You will be a survivor, you have the fight and drive. I will come visit next week. Love you…

  4. Helene says:

    What can I say?! I am speechless …. I HATE CANCER TOO !!! I hate you had to get it, as i write this today – its April 19, 2011 and you have had surgery — saw you online, so you must be sitting up up up — which is where spirit is — up up up — its up and away from this now — I will be at next fundraiser …. helping to lift you — up up up!
    Love you girl, Helene

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