Angry

Finished up my #6 chemo on Monday March 21 and I’m scheduled now for all sorts of new things, surgery, radiation, more infusions of herceptin for the rest of the year till right before Thanksgiving when I had my first treatment.  Cancer has taken away most of my femininity, like my beautiful long hair, my perfectly shaped breasts, my long painted fingernails, my supple skin, my slim body, my emotional stability…or did I have any of that emotional stability? I’ve always been a girly girl with painted nails and toes and make up and love beautiful lingerie, clothes, makeup, high heels beauty products, fought my weight all my life since I’m such a  small woman, exercised, taken fairly good care of myself  and …but chemo, steroids, anxiety, stress, inability to focus, being scared of everything that might make me sick…..cancer has  totally remodeled my body to what makes me feel and look like a monster. I didn’t even get a chance to get “old” and run down, I had good genes of youth, like my Mother, she always looked years younger than she actually was and had the care free attitude to go along with it…blowing in the wind, sa la vie, But I had it happen to me in a mere few months…..thanks to everyone that said “Congratulations on your last chemo, now it almost over.Sam, you can go on with your life!!!””””…WELL NO IT’s NOT….it just does not end after chemo treatment…..I am going to lose my left breast to a surgeons knife and at this point, I will have to wait for 6 months to get reconstructive and I have to have a MRI to see where the cancer is now in my breasts and see if it has spread…no more mammograms for me because my breasts are so dense they cannot be viewed with a regular equipment and boy howdie, do I NOT LIKE MRI’s…..they suck so bad…. this cancer is tricky…you leave it alone for one moment, and BAMB…it starts traveling all over you body and it can get into places you never even imagined.  And I have been called a warrior, a survivor, a brave girl, told that I had the right attitude, stayed positive, bull shit, that has nothing to do with it and you can’t tell me or any other person with cancer any different. I was told at the beginning that ATTITUDE is what is going to cure you…..HAHAHAHAHAI have tried to stay positive just for my own sanity but cancer is an entity in itself…it has no emotions, no brain, no feelings, it ravishes your body. I fantasize that I have a “nice” cancer that will behave and go away when told too.   I’m not having a good day, I miss socializing with my friends, miss driving my art car, I miss feeling like creating, I miss running to the thrift store to see what fun bargains I can get, I miss going to the movies, I REALLY miss going out dancing and listening to music, I miss casually strolling thorough art galleries to see all my friends art work and crazy art installations, I miss going to work, I miss just hanging out with the girls, I miss finding a boyfriend, I miss having a boyfriend, I miss going out to eat and new places, I  miss going out to eat and actually tasting my food, I miss Sunday mornings with a lover, I miss cuddling, I miss feeling like planning a party and actually having the strength to pull it off, I miss going to the grocery store to pick up a few things, I miss sitting in front of a fire in the country,  I miss my independence, I miss just walking or running up the stairs to my house, I miss sleeping from 10pm to 7am without interruption of peeing or just no sleeping from anxiety or pain….fuck you cancer…I HATE YOU and I’m not in a good mood today.  I miss my life…where did it go….

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4 Responses to Angry

  1. deborah says:

    I can see how if would get to be an incredible stressor to be ill, feel that one had to constantly put a positive face on an evil villain that is sucking your life away. I think that you may be expected to present this face to the world so that your friends and aquaintances can feel better about your cancer, in relation to themselves. It would certainly be easier to be with you if you are nicely dressed, upright and ambulatory, face painted, accessorized, and a brilliant, big, Sam smile all over your face. And for you not to be nauseous, or weak, or dizzy, or unable to catch a breath, or broken down and weeping everywhere you go. And if I was to see you “being so positive” everyday, I could happily say to myself, “hey, look how great Sam looks, and acts. That cancer shit cant be so bad”. But you know what, that is all a lie. Cancer sucks, it hurts, it makes you feel ugly, and afraid, and vulnerable. It makes you needy, and in pain, and anti-social, and lacking confidence. It takes away your normalcy, and makes you feel lost.

    And it is seeing all of these bad things going on with my friend Sam, that makes me admire her, and have great regard for her strength and courage, and want to be around her and in her company, crying or laughing, pretty or ugly, whiny or smiling. So Sam, you curse, and weep, and rage against your illness, I do not expect you to put a “positive” happy face on any of this. I STINKS!!!!!!!!. And if you need any help, I am there for you.

  2. Leslie Sirag says:

    Angry is OK. Yell, scream, throw something- just don’t give up!
    You have passed the first milestone, but the race against this monster isn’t over, will in some sense never be over since you have to contiue to check for recurrence. But you’re on the track, you’re ahead of the beast for now, and that’s good. Not being much of a girly-girl myself, I’m not sure what to say about the hair, nails, etc. except that they will grow back, but maybe not the same. I can relate to losing a breast – I like mine and would miss them, aside from being lopsided without one – but again, cancer may get the breast, but don’t let it get you.
    This experience will change you in more ways than physically — no doubt about that. But you will still be you, would still be you if, as in some science fiction story, your body was totally replaced with a spaceship or some other mechanical device that encapsulated and was driven by yur brain — your personality would still be yours, as would your thoughts and feelings. You will always be Sam – and, as I tell my kids and grands, you are the most perfect Sam there can possibly be, no matter what else is going on or how the rest of the world sees you.
    You will dance again, and create again, but things will never be quite the same – your ability to be carefree may be permanently compromised, which may not be totally bad. You will know who your real friends are, and that’s probably a good thing. There will be other changes, both positive and negative, and you will handle them somehow – maybe not as well as you’d like, maybe better than you expected, but in the end you will still be the high-spirited and courageous woman I’m glad to call my friend.

  3. awww thank you leslie and thank you Deborah…you all said it…just what I’m feeling…and I’m not miss happy so lucky all the time, who could be? This is my LIFE and I WANT TO KEEP IT and I am fighting my ass off and I do get mad…no I GET PISSED OFF…how DARE THIS HAPPEN TO ME…..things are already changing with me and some people don’t like it one bit…I don’t give a shit…as Popeye said, I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam…..

  4. James says:

    Sam you are cool! J-

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