Finished up my #6 chemo on Monday March 21 and I’m scheduled now for all sorts of new things, surgery, radiation, more infusions of herceptin for the rest of the year till right before Thanksgiving when I had my first treatment. Cancer has taken away most of my femininity, like my beautiful long hair, my perfectly shaped breasts, my long painted fingernails, my supple skin, my slim body, my emotional stability…or did I have any of that emotional stability? I’ve always been a girly girl with painted nails and toes and make up and love beautiful lingerie, clothes, makeup, high heels beauty products, fought my weight all my life since I’m such a small woman, exercised, taken fairly good care of myself and …but chemo, steroids, anxiety, stress, inability to focus, being scared of everything that might make me sick…..cancer has totally remodeled my body to what makes me feel and look like a monster. I didn’t even get a chance to get “old” and run down, I had good genes of youth, like my Mother, she always looked years younger than she actually was and had the care free attitude to go along with it…blowing in the wind, sa la vie, But I had it happen to me in a mere few months…..thanks to everyone that said “Congratulations on your last chemo, now it almost over.Sam, you can go on with your life!!!””””…WELL NO IT’s NOT….it just does not end after chemo treatment…..I am going to lose my left breast to a surgeons knife and at this point, I will have to wait for 6 months to get reconstructive and I have to have a MRI to see where the cancer is now in my breasts and see if it has spread…no more mammograms for me because my breasts are so dense they cannot be viewed with a regular equipment and boy howdie, do I NOT LIKE MRI’s…..they suck so bad…. this cancer is tricky…you leave it alone for one moment, and BAMB…it starts traveling all over you body and it can get into places you never even imagined. And I have been called a warrior, a survivor, a brave girl, told that I had the right attitude, stayed positive, bull shit, that has nothing to do with it and you can’t tell me or any other person with cancer any different. I was told at the beginning that ATTITUDE is what is going to cure you…..HAHAHAHAHAI have tried to stay positive just for my own sanity but cancer is an entity in itself…it has no emotions, no brain, no feelings, it ravishes your body. I fantasize that I have a “nice” cancer that will behave and go away when told too. I’m not having a good day, I miss socializing with my friends, miss driving my art car, I miss feeling like creating, I miss running to the thrift store to see what fun bargains I can get, I miss going to the movies, I REALLY miss going out dancing and listening to music, I miss casually strolling thorough art galleries to see all my friends art work and crazy art installations, I miss going to work, I miss just hanging out with the girls, I miss finding a boyfriend, I miss having a boyfriend, I miss going out to eat and new places, I miss going out to eat and actually tasting my food, I miss Sunday mornings with a lover, I miss cuddling, I miss feeling like planning a party and actually having the strength to pull it off, I miss going to the grocery store to pick up a few things, I miss sitting in front of a fire in the country, I miss my independence, I miss just walking or running up the stairs to my house, I miss sleeping from 10pm to 7am without interruption of peeing or just no sleeping from anxiety or pain….fuck you cancer…I HATE YOU and I’m not in a good mood today. I miss my life…where did it go….
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