No matter that this Monday March 21 is the LAST CHEMO for me, I’m still anxious and not excited about having to get ONE MORE CHEMO. The side effects are still horrible…I have never gotten over #5 completely. This one has been hard and it was cut back 30 minutes and I just thought I would breeze through it with little or no problems but my energy has been depleted since the chemo has made me anemic and my physician told me that my drugs, my chemicals were very strong and aggressive because my C was aggressive. So at 10am on Monday my friend Mitch and I will be at MDA Green Infusion Room for my LAST CHEMO. My potassium is always low so I’m on major potassium pills right now…in fact I forgot to get them filled and will do so tomorrow and tomorrow I will also start taking the final steroid medication…oh, how we hate the steroids…those of us that suffer with this malady. Its necessary so we don’t get an infection, that is what I’m told. My poor fingernails are numb yet they hurt, are brown, my toes feel like there is something in between them, my nails are paper-thin and my skin is dry and I cannot moisturizer them enough, doesn’t seem to help one bit. My energy and my mood is not so good because basically, I don’t sleep, I’m up at 2:51 am now typing this blog.
Can you believe someone asked me today how much longer I had to live…do you have much time left he said? Shocked, stunned and a little upset, I said, well, I don’t plan on dying too soon. and my friend said to me I didn’t know you had an expiration date….people just don’t think when you tell them or they realize you have cancer.
I did have a wonderful adventure this weekhowever. My friend Deborah who is an excellent photographer, had my makeup done, and had a henna artist do a design on my bald head..well, my hair is coming back white fuzzy and photographed me for a project she is calling “Get Your Sexy Back”. for ladies that have breast cancer…you see, she too is in our club.But a two-year survivor which gives me hope…My brave wonderful friend did not choose to have chemo, she had a lumpectomy and radiation only and is doing fine still taking daily medication to prevent the reoccurred of cancer. Her medication costs over $600.00 a month… hmmmmmmm wonder how I’m going to afford this, and she has insurance. Well, so much for future tripping, LIVE IN THE NOW SAM….don’t go off somewhere else in your head just yet. LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT…do you have any idea how hard that is for a cancer person…? We are all guilty of doing this….I was told as a child to PLAN FOR THE FUTURE…but isn’t this future tripping? Isn’t dreaming sort of future tripping?
I am scheduled for a mammogram on April 12. I’m having a real hard time thinking about giving up my breast. It is one aspect of this disease that really pisses me off. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that if I don’t, I could just die…would it hurt if I don’t, will the cancer come back in me and will I hurt? The phyisical pain and the emotional pain and the fingernail pain and the lack of energy is a pain, how could it be worse than any of this. We really as humans know we are all going to die but no one knows when our time is up…untimely death of a loved one is so hard…even when someone is gravely ill or injured or is murdured…I’ve experienced all of these in my life time. My frist husband was murdered…yes…many of you don’t know that about me. I was barely 28 years old…and my last husband died after a long time suffering from a motorcycle accident and a traumatic brain injury….this just happened in 2009 after my care taking of 8 years. I haven’t forgotten him, I still have his ashes but has anyone else remembered him beside me and his Mother? I believe in reincarnation, at least I use too…I feel I have lived before, I have some vague memories of a life which I won’t go into that at the moment. We live and learn lessons and get a rerun…maybe a few times. I guess everyone is reading and guessing what is on my mind tonight…maybe that is why I can’t sleep…I have physical problems that are not pleasant, burning skin, irritation…I’m so weary..so weary…I want to have a job again, I want a relationship again, I make money, have a nice place to live, give parties, go dancing again, listen to music is one of my favorite things, I will ge to do that tomorrow morning…..go to art galleries, be an artist, dance, own a business again…have hair, so much to do so little time…
Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying…what are the rest of the words to this song? Planning and scheming the night away….
I just tired……….Hope you like my photos….I had so much fun sitting for them and my henna head is still causing a stir….thank you My Lovely Friend for everything you have done for me..I am so blessed to call you my Lovely Friend…you are one in a million.i