Today is NOT a GOOD DAY

Instead of writing in this blog I should be driving to Walgreens to get antibiotics. I’ve showed my fingers and the  bad nail about to fall off and its infected…yes, it hurts and yes I’m really angry but what the F am I going to do. All you people who use to say to me BT,(before treatment) you look good Sam, you don’t look like you have cancer…look at me now. I’m being torn down by the minute. I think it is even effecting my brain. For days, I have woke up in the middle of the night wanting to write and say what is on my mind.  I find things in my body that don’t feel just right and I wonder if I have cancer there, has it moved to another place, is it growing somewhere else in my body….don’t tell me you don’t think about it too…those of you that are reading this and are in my shoes. I think we all do. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I’m not in the least bit scared and somewhat angry,  at least I have the nerve to say what some people think, I hurt in places I’ve never hurt before.

Last week, Tuesday, I had to go to the ER again. My potassium was depleted and laid all night with an IV in my hand/wrist about 7 hours dripping fluids into me…my friend that took me stayed till about 2am…then she went home…you do this alone, at least I am…yeah, yeah, God is with me, angels are watching over me…my friend Mitch came and picked me up and I was so grateful…I’m just bitter right now. Every feminine part of my body is being attacked, who am I what will I look like …I have one more fucking treatment to go…if you don’t like the word fuck…oh well….don’t read this blog. It’s a love hate relationship with this chemo that they pump into your body…my chest in my port, the last chemo treatment was cut into half, my physician said she was going to back me off that it is really affecting me a lot, …I thought it was going to be  a breeze but the two weeks after this one has felt like the very first one in November last year. Can I stand one more treatment? This is killing off the bad bad cancer ugly cells and along with them is the good ones going down too…along with me and my body.

I know some people out there are sitting here reading this and shaking their heads in agreement and some aren’t, some are judging me, frankly, I don’t care about your opinion and I finally KNOW WHO YOU ARE, stop reading my blog,

….This is off the wall hard stuff to go through and I want it to be over, fini…THE END….I want me back, I want to be well…..I can trace back to when I think I first got this stuff in my body. I won’ t bore you with that at the moment…I will save it for later.  I have been in some sort of alternated state since 2000.  When I had a motorcycle accident with my husband, and the 8.5 years I took care of him and watched him die, and the shop that I opened, the shop falling apart…Today…I just want to reach out and knock the hell out of somebody and make them feel the pain in my body and my brain and my soul…feel this MF’er….Today I’m angry….and now, I have to go drive my car to Walgreen’s and get my meds before this does go to my brain and make me worse…my big fat lymphodema swollen left arm….MAybe I should hit publish…Maybe somebody will come and take me away…haven’t been this way in a long time, since the beginning. Maybe the infection in my finger has already traveled up my arm and it is affecting my mind.

For your viewing pleasure is pictures of my left hand, note how the finger changed over a week…the last two are today….

taken on Feb. 20, 2011

March 5,2011MArch 8

taken on Feb. 20, 2011

This one will not delete, it is a couple days ago..yesterday…this one I just took before I started writing the blog. My long nails that I use to paint blue and red…I’m trying to not cry right this minute… I have no control over my emotions currently…I cry everyday of this procedure…I’m not so strong…I’m trying to stay positive, please don’t fuss at me…I’m doing the best I can with this, it pushes every single thread of your being out in the open and exposes your soul….I walk around now with no hair, no fingernails, then one breast…fuck it…I’m having a REALLY BAD DAY….I will be better soon….

Sorry about all the pictures…can’t figure out how to delete them at the moment. I know they look pretty bad but they are hanging on the ends of my fingers, deal with it or delete me…..

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10 Responses to Today is NOT a GOOD DAY

  1. Sherry Weasel says:

    So sorry you’re having such a sucky day/time! Wish I could take some of this off of you but I can’t. Try to hang in there and just know you are truly loved by alot of people.

  2. Ella says:

    It is so sad watching your body go through these changes from the chemo, honey. I am so sorry. I know this part is temporary, though, but I also know the pain is ridiculously sharp and cutting. I am sending you healing vibes… and numbing vibes! As your friend said, this will become a distant memory someday soon.
    So much love coming to you today. xoxoxoxo

  3. Paula says:


    It’s good that you are being real about it. So many people just stuff their feelings and their emotions and they don’t share anything about what’s really going on.

  4. Clare says:

    Who’s judging you for feeling the way you feel? Give me names and I’ll go kick some butt! I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. Hang in there.

  5. Noreen says:

    There is nothing I can think to say to make you feel better. You’ve been through so much and you are so tired and worn. I remember! I know you will find your “positive place” again. All of this is hard — hard to do, hard to hear, hard to experience. Even though we have never met, I feel confident that you will see this to a successful end.

  6. Leslie Sirag says:

    Go get the antibiotics and take them, but remember to eat some yogurt with active cultures and/or some acidofolus (spelling?) to help the good bacteria repopulate. Pineapple, banana, & I think mangoes and/or papayas are high in potassium – a little pre-treatment buildup can’t hurt.
    I’m sorry you are going through this and there’s truly not much any of us can do to help, but do keep on venting–it’s just as important to let the emotional poisons out as to fight the physicaql ones.
    And remember that an awful lot of people love and are rooting for you!

    • Leslie, I did get them and I heed to your advise. …funny how some people look at my ravings as negativity and I and you look at them as gettin them out of me as you just said…and that is exactly what I do…somehow, I am just too honest with my feelings and I’m going through my own personal hell at the moment. Since this morning, my little fingernail on my right hand has turned completely dark brown, the whole thing. I’m really tired at the moment so I am going to make this short and answer a couple of emails and go to bed. We will chat tomorrow. Sam

  7. Donna Parks says:

    I could never imagine.. it sucks.
    My mom went thru all of that too.. Brain Surgery. lung cancer.. tumors in her brain as big as an orange.
    I never realized what pain she was in until now.
    I was pretty nieve/
    I know you can kick its ass.
    U have to be happy and decide to live , not die.
    my Guru coming here.. in apr. 7-9 to give blessings.. you are invited.
    that is a special gift. I dont share my path with everyone.
    peace and love sent to you.. may you rest well

  8. linda hardy says:

    Sam I didn’t see this yesterday, I’m so sorry you are going through Hell. I’m not going to say it’s going to get better because right now it’s hard for you to see that. I wish I had read this yesterday I would have wisked you off, if even for just a moment of escapism.

    Love you Sam! My heart is breaking for you.


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