Cancer Ain’t for Sissies So Take Time To Stop and Smell The Roses.

Just had my pre chemo physician appointment on Friday and getting geared up for #5 then one more to go! Linda B. is going with me on Monday to be my chemo buddy. I have had so many wonderful people taking me to my chemo. It has been quite an experience for all of them and of course me too. My previous chemo buddy was Deborah S. and she told me the other day that she was so inspired after going with me that she wrote 6 songs after a long dry spell. She is a lyricist and musician, mandolin player and a beautiful person with a warm shining soul. The song were in her but somehow she was able to unlock that part of herself and express what had been inside of her.

The last chemo will be on March 21, then on to the next part of the treatment. I found out my tumor shrunk 70% and immediately asked my Doctor, well, I tried to and she answered me before I could even open my mouth. Yes, I still have to have the mastectomy! My heart just felt like I had a dagger jammed into it. The other little spots in my breast were still there, not affected…………………….. I paused here for a few minutes with my head down as I write this to you. It was hard to hear this news.  My surgery will be in April    damn….

Thursday night and most of Friday, I cried more than I have cried since I got the original diagnoses.  I cried and cried most of the day, feeling angry, sad, mad, pitiful, alone, pissed off, furious,…I HATED this…my body, mind and soul is being changed and I’m fighting it and bucking like a horse…I want me back. Apparently I am not allowed to have me back as I once was…I am being forced to be a different person and sometimes I don’t like her. BUT, I have many teachers that are helping me with the new me. I call them my angels and sometimes I’m not very nice to them. I don’t mean to be like that but I’m just like a little child, I’m learning to be different and I’m growing up AGAIN! I think we never completely Grow Up, Life just keeps handing us challenges and we have to grow and change in order to meet or overcome those challenges. Handling them with Dignity  is what we are challenged to do. Change is HARD and not  especially  welcomed …but it is a part of life and lessons that  we need to learn and grow….God knocks on our heads until we finally GET IT!, God or my Higher Power or the Universe Whatever you call IT… is preparing me for something Great…..! And apparently, I need this for my soul to grow either for the rest of my physical lifetime or the here after….I do not know that answer…. Cancer is a HARD LESSON to go through. Talk about cherishing your life every Moment and EVERY DAY!! This will force you to stop and smell the roses….and if you don’t, you aren’t going to make it through to the other side or be it in this physical plane! I am so sure of that….  I am very fortunate to have so many people and friends support me and love me…people that I don’t even know just come out and embrace me and hold me in their hearts and arms and  I am soso so GRATEFUL … and astonished. It has always been hard for me to let people in but I’m learning it is a good thing to allow the LOVE. I use to have a hard time when people complimented me, it was embarrassing, and called too much attention to me and I never felt worthy…cancer is making me stop and  realize that I am a child of God and worthy person. I’ve always given of myself to other people with no expectations but had a hard time receiving it back with some sort of dignity.  As I experience this, you are too, We ARE All One.Thank you.

I have had a difficult time with the latest side effects of the chemo. It is affecting my finger and toe nails and the joints in my hands. My nails are  getting thinner, ridged and brittle, turning brown and red and now white and I have been in a lot of pain. You don’t realize how you hit your nails in your daily life and right now wearing my cowboy boots is out, thank goodness its turning into sandal weather. When I accidentally tap or hit my nails I get pulsating pain that lasts for a very long time…like more than a minute…try constant pulsating pain in your toes and fingernails. Now, two of my toes and two of my finger tips are numb and tingling, I have nu trophy and my Physician is concerned that I will get permanent nerve damage and when you toes go numb, you can’t walk very well. So she put me on a medication that has already lessened  the pain in my fingernails since last night’s first dose. I am happy about that.  And she is cutting back on the amount of my chemo again for the last two treatments. I was reassured that it will be okay to do so for my recovery. This is a journey into the Unknown. Wonder what it is going to end up like?

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3 Responses to Cancer Ain’t for Sissies So Take Time To Stop and Smell The Roses.

  1. linda hardy says:

    Beautifully written from the heart, as always!

  2. Cancer treatment has so many far reaching side effects. No one would believe them unless they’ve walked down that path. Try Sally Hansen Apricot Cuticle Cream. It’s magic, or it was for me. My nails stayed beautiful and strong. My oncologist couldn’t believe it and every time he saw me would say, “Maybe next time,” meaning next time they’ll do what your nails are doing. I think the benefits of cuticle cream is two-fold: It keeps you from having hangnails (cutting them during chemo is a no-no because of the possibility of infection) and the act of massaging the cream into your nails increases blood flow to your cuticles and strengthens them.
    Stay strong. I know you are.

    Brenda Coffee

    • Wow, thanks Brenda…my friend Rachel and I saw your blog about the cuticle creme, that is how she found you and turned you on to me. I believe it may be too late for the creme, Rachel brought me some last week. I have been using Coconut creme/oil all over my hands, feet, my body and my head…its just the type of chemo that I’m on that does this to some people. If they say it might do such and such to someone, my body must hear that and do it to me! How lucky a girl can I be?! YEs, contrary to today’s blog, I am a strong woman, I’ve been through a lot and when you’ve had challenges it makes you tough..but this old bird here today as reached the end of her rope. I had issues with my insurance and had been on phone for 2 hours trying to get that straightened out…the ER, its been really a hard two weeks and I’m anticipating the end of the chemo on March 21…so much.And trying to live and have a life…I was up at 2am making jewelry and an art project in my head, thinking planning…my list goes on and on…thanks for the comments. It means a lot to me. Sam

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