Just had my pre chemo physician appointment on Friday and getting geared up for #5 then one more to go! Linda B. is going with me on Monday to be my chemo buddy. I have had so many wonderful people taking me to my chemo. It has been quite an experience for all of them and of course me too. My previous chemo buddy was Deborah S. and she told me the other day that she was so inspired after going with me that she wrote 6 songs after a long dry spell. She is a lyricist and musician, mandolin player and a beautiful person with a warm shining soul. The song were in her but somehow she was able to unlock that part of herself and express what had been inside of her.
The last chemo will be on March 21, then on to the next part of the treatment. I found out my tumor shrunk 70% and immediately asked my Doctor, well, I tried to and she answered me before I could even open my mouth. Yes, I still have to have the mastectomy! My heart just felt like I had a dagger jammed into it. The other little spots in my breast were still there, not affected…………………….. I paused here for a few minutes with my head down as I write this to you. It was hard to hear this news. My surgery will be in April damn….
Thursday night and most of Friday, I cried more than I have cried since I got the original diagnoses. I cried and cried most of the day, feeling angry, sad, mad, pitiful, alone, pissed off, furious,…I HATED this…my body, mind and soul is being changed and I’m fighting it and bucking like a horse…I want me back. Apparently I am not allowed to have me back as I once was…I am being forced to be a different person and sometimes I don’t like her. BUT, I have many teachers that are helping me with the new me. I call them my angels and sometimes I’m not very nice to them. I don’t mean to be like that but I’m just like a little child, I’m learning to be different and I’m growing up AGAIN! I think we never completely Grow Up, Life just keeps handing us challenges and we have to grow and change in order to meet or overcome those challenges. Handling them with Dignity is what we are challenged to do. Change is HARD and not especially welcomed …but it is a part of life and lessons that we need to learn and grow….God knocks on our heads until we finally GET IT!, God or my Higher Power or the Universe Whatever you call IT… is preparing me for something Great…..! And apparently, I need this for my soul to grow either for the rest of my physical lifetime or the here after….I do not know that answer…. Cancer is a HARD LESSON to go through. Talk about cherishing your life every Moment and EVERY DAY!! This will force you to stop and smell the roses….and if you don’t, you aren’t going to make it through to the other side or be it in this physical plane! I am so sure of that…. I am very fortunate to have so many people and friends support me and love me…people that I don’t even know just come out and embrace me and hold me in their hearts and arms and I am soso so GRATEFUL … and astonished. It has always been hard for me to let people in but I’m learning it is a good thing to allow the LOVE. I use to have a hard time when people complimented me, it was embarrassing, and called too much attention to me and I never felt worthy…cancer is making me stop and realize that I am a child of God and worthy person. I’ve always given of myself to other people with no expectations but had a hard time receiving it back with some sort of dignity. As I experience this, you are too, We ARE All One.Thank you.
I have had a difficult time with the latest side effects of the chemo. It is affecting my finger and toe nails and the joints in my hands. My nails are getting thinner, ridged and brittle, turning brown and red and now white and I have been in a lot of pain. You don’t realize how you hit your nails in your daily life and right now wearing my cowboy boots is out, thank goodness its turning into sandal weather. When I accidentally tap or hit my nails I get pulsating pain that lasts for a very long time…like more than a minute…try constant pulsating pain in your toes and fingernails. Now, two of my toes and two of my finger tips are numb and tingling, I have nu trophy and my Physician is concerned that I will get permanent nerve damage and when you toes go numb, you can’t walk very well. So she put me on a medication that has already lessened the pain in my fingernails since last night’s first dose. I am happy about that. And she is cutting back on the amount of my chemo again for the last two treatments. I was reassured that it will be okay to do so for my recovery. This is a journey into the Unknown. Wonder what it is going to end up like?