I WILL BE ALIve….JUST GIVE ME A DAMN MOMENT to SWALLOW…..

I had chemo last Monday evening on  Jan.10 and have been basically getting over it which wasn’t as bad in one way as the other 2 were but I had some new side effects…I was able to go out for a while on Saturday night listen to some live music and again on Sunday morning for brunch and had a guest over for dinner and TV. So, 3 days not feeling so good and low energy and a few problems trying to get nausea and bowels working back normal… I’m much better, at least I was till I woke up this morning. I was late for my appointment at MDA, woke up at 7:45 am for an 8am appointment and got there by 8:20 am, I live close to the hospital. The appointment was with my surgeon to meet and talk about the upcoming surgery since I’m half way through the chemo. To cut to the chase, I was told I need a full mastectomy of the left breast, not a lumpectomy, as my Chemo Physician had told me last week. So, I wasn’t really prepared and honestly how can you be!?  It’s like losing something you had all your life that is attached to your body…DUH…and it has defined me to a degree and I don’t want to hear from everyone that I’m not my breasts or my hair…especially people that have not been in my shoes…yeah, I’m a little in a bad mood, pissed at someone, somebody, something…if only I had something solid I could be pissed at, I would hit it, beat it, knock it down, stomp all over it, smash it into a million fucking pieces, punch it out, destroy all evidence, run over it with my car, put it in the blender and eat it…no, thats not right……kick is ass if it had one…make it hurt like I do right now…those of you that know me well know I have been through quite a bit in the last couple of years taking care of my husband, my shop, my so called friends…burying him, Christopher….well, he isn’t buried, I can’t even drive to Austin to scatter his ashes, I still have him in my room with me. I’m feeling pretty pitiful at the moment. My emotions are sitting beside me. They had the Psychologist and a Psychiatrist and a med student   come into the clinic all the way from the other side of the street  which is miles away if you know how large MDA is,   just to  talk to me, kept asking me if I had suicidal thoughts…NO….No No no….NO That is just it…I want my LIFE back, I don’t want to be sick…and dealing with all this is hard…am I the only person that feels all this? Maybe I am sick in the head, maybe I am losing it…this is the way I deal with things, I cry and I go to sleep and I deal with it and I write it out…I expose my inner thoughts to you….somehow, this makes me feel a little better. They want me to take MORE MEDICINE, antidepressants…been there done that…no thank you. I did accept something to sleep with and I don’t like even taking all that either. I don’t want to get dependent on any drugs. Talk therapy…I will go to talk therapy…I talk to my friends, I write this blog, I write other stuff in my journal…when I did and go to heaven, somebody come and get my other journal…that is where the real juicy stuff is, publish it and make a million dollars and use the money for cancer research…I name names in that one. HAHA…watch out…I use humor a lot to deal with my life and this cancer bullshit. No, I wish it had never happened, of course, I am trying to deal with it the best way I can. I want to live and live my life …this is in the way right now, I’m paralyzed at the moment from doing anything much…therefore, I’m bored, I have no ambition no creative spark…I lack luster…and that is just not me…..so, until further notice, I will lack luster and be dull and boring and try to push one foot in front of the other and I will cry …my friend told me it okay to cry, I’m just watering my soul when I cry to make it grow…I will be okay tomorrow when I grasp the idea that my breast is not going to grow back and I will have to live with one for 6 months till after the radiation is over because they want to make sure that the cancer is dead and gone in me and then they will reconstruct my breast and like my left arm, I will have no feeling in it and no nipple and yet I WILL BE ALIve….JUST GIVE ME A DAMN MOMENT to SWALLOW…..my HEART and SOUL will be intact and I will be a whole woman again, I’m just grieving and yes my hair will grow back on my head and my nose hairs, and all the other places that I use to have hair…yes…it will grow back but in the meantime, let me be with myself and cry..ok?

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2 Responses to I WILL BE ALIve….JUST GIVE ME A DAMN MOMENT to SWALLOW…..

  1. linda hardy says:

    Awe shit Sam. I had so prayed it wouldn’t come to the mastectomy. Damn it to hell for you! Shit. Just plain ole’ shit. I sit here with tears in my eyes and the only word I can find is “shit”. I’ve been through a lot of medical “shit” in the past 10 years, but nothing like this so I can’t say I know what you’re going through. Because, I don’t. I have an idea and that is all. I won’t say buck it or don’t cry. You do what you have to do to get through it. You have permission to blow your lid and scream until you can’t scream anymore. You’ve earned it the hard way.

    Hugs to you my friend. This is just shitty.

    Linda

  2. Noreen says:

    Yeah, yeah….you are not your breast or your hair, but it IS a HUGH deal to have your hair fall out and have part of your body AMPUTATED, for crying out loud!

    To be honest, I didn’t think those things would be a big deal, but they were harder than I expected. It’s still weird to think about two years later. I was also not a candidate for immediate reconstruction, and now I think I probably won’t do it — but I think most people who know me would be surprised that I think this was/is a big deal. And while a lot of really good things happened in my life that might not have happened if I didn’t get breast cancer, I would still pass on that “gift.”

    You are helping medical professionals deal with the real emotions of their patients! No being a “good little girl” for you, Sam! Go get ’em!

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