The Title is No Title

Started back with the appointments today, I went in for fours hours today and it cost me $10.00 for parking…which I’m low on funds because I don’t have a job or a husband or much of a family that I can lean on and tomorrow, I will be there longer, its’ always scheduled appointments that seem to last the whole day into the night sometimes.  This is a HUGE complex hospital that has so many buildings that they have shuttles to take you from one side to the other because cancer patients usually don’t have the energy to walk very far. This  hospital is  well staffed with extremely nice happy people. I have never had someone be ugly or act like I was asking too many questions or acted irritated, everyone that is employed there will stop and help you even if you look a bit dazed or confused which I normally am! HAHA and their Volunteers are so upbeat…I think they spike their drinking water here to keep everyone so upbeat. So my point is, the only thing I can find wrong with MDA is the parking, too expensive and there is no breaks for anyone. This I don’t understand.

Going again tomorrow to speak with my primary Cancer physician. I’m complaining but not complaining. I am so grateful to be going to MDA, and I have Medicaid, which if I didn’t I would just die, which is really hard to write. This is just hard…I cry a lot…its almost the 2nd anniversary of my husband’s  passing and his birthday so  I’m a little depressed and sad but I always seem to  spring back. I had a good New YEars Eve weekend.and I felt like myself all this week and of course this weekend too just in time for the chemo to be stuck in my chest in my port. Then in two days I will feel like total shit….for about two weeks. Had  had a complete pulmonary testing this morning, wow the equipment that MDA has is amazing, state of the art. Then to the gynecologist, not my favorite place to go but at least all the physician and staff were female. I refuse to go to male gyneco’s ever ever again…sorry guys, the ladies know what I’m talking about….men should not even be allowed to be in this field. MD Anderson is making sure that I’m healthy everywhere and making sure the cancer has not spread… all over my body. . I’m so fortunate  to be so well taken care of yet the whole aspect of the disease is horrifying. Sorry to be so morbid but my life is what it is at the moment. And I know it will get better, just hard to deal with….I have my moments and today has been one of them.
I appreciate everyone and everything that has happened to me. I get packages in the mail from old high school friends, my old friends from Memphis, Christmas cards, Get Well Cards  even from people I don’t even know that know of me through their firends…its amazing just amazing and yet I cry…but I’m so grateful that people love me but I’m just so sad today, sad that I have to go through this, sad that I have to lose a year of my life but grateful that it isn’t going to be longer. I’m mad that I’m bald, that I have to wear hats to just stay warm, I’m sick of trying to make myself presentable, I miss brushing my hair, my eyebrows are starting to fall out. I’m afraid to wash my face for fear they will just all come out on my wash cloth which is most likely about to happen. My eyelashes will go too…why why why…I’m just real frustrated tonight. And now, I know what I’m going to feel like this time next week and it makes me angry and I have no control over this, it is controlling me which is not a very fun feeling. MAybe its just me, maybe everyone doesn’t feel so intensely as I do, how would I know but I do know I’m pretty miserable at the moment. I go to sleep and I dream and the first thing when I open my eyes, I remember that I have no hair because my cap has come off in the night and my head is cold and I have cancer and I have to go next Monday and get chemo again…damn it. And if I don’t, I don’t live. period…I DIE….. fuck you cancer….fuckyou fuck you fuck you

BUT, I went dancing and listening to live music last night and going out with girlfriends for my ladies night tomorrow night. And on Saturday night again dancing and listening to my friends band and then on Sunday, to my breakfast brunch group with a special group of friends.  I do try and retain my normal habits whenever I can. It’s just more of a challenge to either be bald, or wear a wig and hope that noone that doesn’t know me thinks I’m wearing a wig…cause I so not a fake person….this is just HARD FOLKS…HARD STUFF  to HEAR and to UNDERSTAND and to LIVE WITH.

Like I said earlier…FUCK YOU CANCER….

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