Just stop it NOW Please God…

I write this blog as an avenue for me to vent and to let others know how important it is to take care of yourself. And there are many ways that you can, just ask me later and I will let you know the risk factors of cancer….. You ladies especially and the gents too cause there is all kinds of nasty stuff out there for all to get in the form of cancer. There is not one single reason that I got cancer, it’s the luck of the draw I want to believe but of course, I’ve gone over and over again in my head all the terrible things I did in my youth……like…sex, drugs and rock n roll…too much of all that, growing up as a hippie love child in the 1960/70s era…we did it all. We were rebellious from the strict upbringing that our 1950s Mothers imposed on us. Hell, We burned our bras, threw them away…I didn’t wear one for YEARS except to go to my straight job…. We were FREE and WILD to be who we were and some of us took it to the extreme….not claiming I did…but I’m just saying….so I thought long and hard about writing this to you but here goes…the symptoms that I’ve experienced …

Usually the third day after chemo when the steroids wear off I start to get sick or go wayyyy down. Mine hit me Christmas eve and the next morning. Nauseous, constipated, anxiety ridden. …my muscles twitched in my legs and my feet, and toes felt like I needed to stretch them out but I couldn’t and it was misery, it hurt….. All my joints were in so much pain. I discovered from last month that my potassium is low when this starts to happen. They gave me little packets of potassium to dissolve in water and drink and along with a Tylenol, it slowly makes all that aching and stretching stop, till the next time which usually only hours away. Then we discovered that Emergency C has more potassium than the packets that they gave me so I’m off to drinking a lot of that instead of buying an expensive prescription from MDAnderson pharmacy.  The chemo makes you feel like there is nothing right in your system, everything stops working as you once knew it….my thoughts are wild and it literally makes me moan from agony. And sometimes, I don’t have any thought, it takes over your brain and there is no thought pattern….no thinking only pain…undescribable pain…I can’t lay down, can’t stand up, curl up on the couch, there is no comfortable position. I’ve tried to sleep it off…no sleeping allowed. I’m hungry, can’t taste food, and my mouth has a white film inside of it. They prescribe a pink mouthwash that is like silicone and you are supposed to swish around for 10 minutes and then swallow it…yuk…I can barely swish it for 2 minutes cause it makes me gag…..and then it paralyzes the inside of your mouth for 30 minutes to rid the white film and the ridges inside your mouth…its awful stuff and doesn’t even work that good…maybe if I could keep it down…maybe….I drink gallons of water to flush it out which makes you pee like a racehorse on derby day. Then the constipation…the chemo constipates you, the anti nausea constipates you and we all know ya gotta take a dodo cause it’s not good to not to. And that alone is one of my worse symptoms. Your whole body rebels…my skin feels like paper…so thin and so dry. I pour gallons of Palmers coco butter creme all over me, it seems to help but makes me smell like a cookie. My fuzzy head hurt when i tried to lay down from the bent hair follicles to the point I had to shave it slick. Well, Amie shaved it for me the first time and then Robyn finished it off. Now, I have to do it and I thought I was through buying razors for a while since all the hair on your body falls out and stops growing…and I mean all. I dread the day that I lose my eyebrows and eyelashes. My friend tells me that stuff, dust will get into your eyes and there is nothing to grab ahold of and pull down to get stuff out…nice!!! I take so many drugs for this and that….laxative stool softener,nausea medicine sometimes, steroids, my regular daily meds, the list is long… and drink prune juice yuk….and sometimes, I’m so tired that I can’t hold my head up to even drink another glass of water….I’m trying to not be so graphic here so pardon me if this is a little too much but just know, I’m holding back. Last month was throw up time and I haven’t done that yet cause once you start, it doesn’t stop so easily. It makes no sense to me to get so chemically sick to get well but I have no choice here. I want to live the rest of my life as a healthy individual and not going back and forth to many appointments to MDA.  I think they just draw blood from everyone that walks into the place. for their fun entertainment….. My arms veins are shot and bruised  and I feel so weak. I so do appreciate that MDA is HERE…..and I’m allowed to go there…its a mixed bag of feelings. I want ME back and I want ME BACK NOW. I’ve always been an impatient person…my most favorite thing int he world is to dance to the music, I hear a beat and my body starts to move and groove….and that too has been taken away from me. It wears me out, my energy is gone….I could outdance the best dancers…in my mind…lolololol….I want me back…I’m slighty pissed off at the fucking disease…get out of me now…go away  what do you want from me??? What am I suppose to be learning from you? What am I going to do after this is over? I have to make a living…I’m so tired…I just want to scream and would if I had the energy.

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5 Responses to Just stop it NOW Please God…

  1. miz jewelz says:

    I would imagine that you are MORE than slightly pissed off! You’re doing a great job at staying strong and part of that is letting it out.

    (I didn’t lose my eyebrows or lashes; not sure if that was because they had to stop the Taxol after 2 treatments)

  2. Rick Luther says:

    Wow!

  3. Leslie Sirag says:

    Sam, you come through amazingly sane & coherent. Sounds as though the cure is as bad as the disease – with luck, both will end. Hang in there – a lot of people are rooting for you! Love ya!

    • miz jewelz says:

      The cure sucks, no question there. But it is NOT as bad as the disease. Sometimes you gotta fight back nasty. That is the cure.

  4. Brenda Sinclair says:

    Hi Sam- Sorry cancer can’t take a break for the holidays…or forever! I’ve been thinking about you & hoping 2011 brings health, wealth & peace. Got a mammogram this week- was way overdue-you are inspiring people!
    Brenda
    (craftsallday)

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