Gettin to the nitty gritty…have no idea how I can think or write at the moment. Woke up at 2 30am. Making coffee now to see if it will work for me. One cup of caffeine usually makes me go back to sleep and maybe the caffeine will start something else that I haven’t done in 3 days now….TMI! Sorry, but like I said at the beginning this is graphic at times. I pretty much feel like shit, my thoughts are confusing and running in my head and then sometimes I realize there are no thoughts, mushbrain. And I can’t talk, my words get mixed up and I say dumb things that don’t make any sense. I think maybe I can write/type better and thoughts and comments and rants and raving comes right out the end of my fingertips. I do not like what this is doing to me. I am not sure I can stand this for 5 months….people tell me that I’m lucky that I only have to get infusions every three weeks….YOU CALL THIS LUCKY AT ALL? Fuck you….this is not fun and not lucky and I’m too sick to be too mad except when I sit here on this damn keyboard and type. I’ve been living and knowing about this BC crap since April when I first felt the lumps under my arms. It is a long process to get appointments, information, get over “Oh my GOD what is that I feel!!!” Then you get the “OH MY GOD I GOT CANCER WHERE?” You cry, you scream, you wail, you want your MaMa…now, I’m fighting, fighting for my life and sick and feel terrible…I’m being a big baby and I ain’t got on no big girl panties right now, I can’t find them, they are lost in the dryer. I feel like I’m going to be like this for the rest of my life. Where did I go, I don’t feel like me…I can feel the chemicals inside my veins and its sicking. I drink water, green tea, chamomile tea, jasmine tea, coffee, water, juice,water, more water, I feel dried up, I drink water…. I want a beer or a martini please….if I’m going to be this messed up, I want alcohol…HAHAHAHA….gimmie my Lone Star NOW. Magic Cookies help, make me laugh, make me not nausea…if only the chemical that they put into my drip bag would go away, the one for the anti-nausea that really doesn’t work but plugs your plumbing up….I’m sure my disposition would change rapidly….If the cancer don’t kill you, it will either be the extraordinarily EXPENSIVE PARKING at MD ANDERSON or the damn nausea medicine…..NO FREE PARKING FOR ANYONE Don’t tell me to ask, I already have. I will total up all my tickets here in a few and tell you what I’ve paid to park and you stay all day long when you go for an appointment…They better get me well or somebody is gonna answer for all those parking fees….HAHAHAHAHAH FUCK YOU CANER GET THE HELL OUT OF MY BODY….I HATE YOU. I want to know how some people actually work during this? I am not a functioning human bean …those pictures that were took 2 days ago may be the last of any that I will recognize as me. or you. And don’t tell me to be positive…THIS IS POSITIVE, walk in my shoes for one hour. Get your Happy on! PARTY! LIKE A ROCK STAR….I will soon as this is over…chapter two of my life is not here yet…I gots lots to do…you, my dear readers have to listen to my rants and raves if you choose till I get back to normal. But me thinks my normal will be forever changed. Oh, and by the way, I pray all in-between all this mess. I pray a lot, I call for my angels to come and rescue me. I know who my Guardian Angel is….I got a couple and I know they love me and will not completely let me down. I met one of them when I hit the pavement back in 2001 after my wreck. That is what started me on my spiritual path…yes, ladies and gents, through all my cussin and raving, I’m a pretty spiritually evolved person and I work on my soul work everyday.., little know information I bet,…right now, I’m temporarily insane yet my angels and my God keep telling me that I have to do this to get better, but they said it was not going to be much fun…..and I keep asking them why? So far, no replies yet…I’ll keep ya posted.
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