Go to bed at 9:30pm then wake up at 2:30am and think you have slept a whole night is pretty bad. It’s hard on your body, not to mention your brain function. But I finally rolled out a couple of minutes ago and felt the need to write.
Today is the first day of my chemo and I’m resolved to get this over with. I have 5 treatments, 3 weeks apart. I start 24 hours before taking 4 steroid pills for the next 3 days. My physician said these mine make you jumpy. She wasn’t kidding and sleepless. I helped to start a new Vintage and Art Market in my neighborhood on this past Sunday and the pills hit me about the time I finished setting up my booth. I turned into a super woman with a mouth. I was running all around the market chatting up the other vendors and if there had been walls, I would have been bouncing from side to side, but we were on a parking lot so I used people to bounce off of. I was quite amused but jittery. So, at around 10am this morning, I will start the first round of chemo. I have spoken to several ladies that have gone through and are in the process and they all tell me not to worry and a few tips on how to deal with this whole idea. Never in a million years did I think I would be doing something like this. Cancer was not one of the dreaded diseases that my family is prone to. I have a very good friend going with me for the whole day for moral support but I am more worried about how she is going to react to all the ill people in the chemo room. No, I can’t think about my reaction to the drugs and the after effects it is going to have on me today….my skin, my mouth, my hair,the energy loss, the nausea, the physical things that could happen after today and each treatment. This cancer that I have is aggressive, her2 positive but so am I. so let’s start a fight and see who wins here…..I am a starter of things, a shaker and a mover and this shit has knocked my socks off temporarily and now we are on round two to KILL YOU…..But, I worry about my friend’s reaction to being with me all day in such a sad place of sick people everywhere because that is just the way I am, I take care of other people and letting someone take care of me is hard. All this horrible stuff to deal with to get this C out of me and cure me so I can go on with my life. I have to make a decision of what to do with my hair. Let if fall out by the handfuls or cut it off myself and donate it to Locks of Love, and then shave myself bald?………………long pause…….and look like a cancer victim?”””””””””’not me? Please don’t be shocked when you see me for the first time. A lot of people tell me that since I have such thick hair I may not lose it. They are not in the medical community. They say the truth, who do I believe? It hurts when people say, “oh,don’t worry, it will grow back”, it’s not their hair they are talking about! Do you have any idea how long it took for my hair to get to this length? I do not look good with short hair at all. My crowning glory. I got my Mother’s beautiful hair and my Dad’s side of the family with the color which is white! I’ve been dying my lovely hair since I was in my 20s…turned gray pretty early on, family history of premature graying and my hair grows pretty fast. Then I hear it grows back different from before, curly, straight, darker, whiter…oh my………..I could probably make wigs for 5 children out of my thick hair ……I wish this country was as advanced as Europe with the polar caps so people don’t lose their hair when they get chemo for cancer. (see earlier post) our dignity is being stripped as it is now ..okay…….whatever………..
I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO FIGHT THIS DISEASE AND KILL YOU INSIDE ME CANCER. I WANT MY LIFE BACK NOW. I’M NOT PATIENT I GOT LOTS OF STUFF TO DO. THIS IS ONLY TEMPORARY CRAPPY INCONVENIENCE AND IT DOES MAKE ME MAD.
Oh the nausea medication gives you constipation so you don’t throw up. Then you have to take medicines to stop and prevent that…and wait for days to feel like your stomach is not going to explode…Should I take it? What fun is that? I think I’ll go the medicinal way with no side effects, Thank you.
The irony of life!