Thanksgiving and boy do I have a lot to be thankful for this year as I face one of the hardest things I’ve ever encountered in my life’s journey. I thought losing my husband and the 8 years of care that I gave to him was hard but this one takes the cake!
Don’t even know where to start this one so here goes, I’m diggin in….left my physician’s office to go downstairs to get meds filled at MDA pharmacy. I had an MRI early that morning,which I described to you about how difficult it was for me to bear and it was specifically set up for breast imaging. My next appointment that day was my cancer physician and she told me all about my condition and my chemo to start on this coming up Monday and how long this was going to take and when my surgery for the one tumor that will shrink and be removed from my breast. And that I was basically a very healthy person and can take the chemo and that I will be okay,not to worry.. So I sent out texts to a lot of my friends and family explaining that I was so happy to be able to keep my tata, boobie, breast, knocker, ….then I get a phone call from my physicians office, “come back upstairs Ms.VanBibber, we have to see you about the MRI.” She, my physician said,” they saw something in the MRI but don’t worry, sometimes these machines over amplify and I’m sure that is all this is but it was suggested that you get another ultra sound” and which I knew that meant more biopsies…I went yesterday morning, Wednesday. Yes, it was difficult, yes, it hurts me so much and yes, I cry like a little baby and yes, they had the lab come in just like the last time and check for cancer cells out of the tissue they removed from me. And YES it is cancerous, malignant, and its on the other side of my left breast….the other side…and yes, that means, there could be more and yes, I am going to lose my breast. This is without my physician telling me, the radiologists told me because I ask! And as I laid there sobbing. As I walked out of the building sadness overcame me, I started thinking how hard this has been and what if I get this again in my right breast. Could I go through this again…I started thinking maybe I should have both of the removed and replaced with implants or my own fat that comes from my belly…yes, they build you breasts from the fat stored in your belly or thighs…more surgery, more pain, more recovery. No nipples, no feeling…but I will be alive. These are my choices. I will lose my hair in a couple of weeks, the two things about me that I’ve loved, that men have loved about me…my boobie and my hair..well, hopefully they, the ones that really counted, loved me not my body but who am I kidding. The physical attributes is what first attract the opposite sex, then the inside spiritual part of a person is connected. Or does that all happen at the same time.? I’ve always been proud of the way I looked, I’ve taken good care of myself over the years, like my Mother, I have always looked younger than my real years. This disease is tearing down my core and I hate it and I want it out of me. So, I have to be changed inside and out, my mental physical image of myself is going to change…how in the hell am I going to deal with this? Aging is one thing this is different. If I leave it alone, it will kill me…dead. I’m not ready to die yet, who is? Early in August right before I got my cancer news a friend of mine was walking across the street from where he lived to pick up a pizza and was struck by a car and killed instantly. He was 57 years old and I had been sending him cell phone pictures of me and friends dancing at my birthday party and he was dead, he never saw them. He lived in W. Virginia and I was the last person he spoke to on his cell phone. So, the Sheriff contacted me at 3am to tell me that my friend had been killed. We went to high school together and was of course from my hometown. On my birthday and the day before my first ultra sound biopsy. So, he never knew that I had tested positive for cancer and I never got to speak to him again. So, do we ever get to choose our deaths, do we know how we are going to pass on?. Do we live forever? Do we get to see our loved ones in that place called heaven or hell? Do we come back as little babies and choose our families? Does death hurt, do we really burn in hell when we have not lived a stellar life? Who is the judge of our lives? Do we float around and haunt our enemies, the people that have done us wrong, can we communicate with our friends and relatives? I know somebody is going to think either I’m ignorant or off my rocker…do I care…NO…what you think of me is none of my business.ARe you still going to like me when I’m bald and fat from the steroids that I have to take?. And I don’t even know for sure, well, sorta sure, that this is going to happen. So today, I am grateful to just be alive and able to cook a huge Thanksgiving dinner and serve it to my friends. I wish I could give everyone a hug for loving me and being there for me. I think I think too much. I have so much to say and editing this is hard. Repaying kindness is by being kind to someone else. Thank you everyone for standing by me while I go through this living hell. As we all remember Thanksgiving past, may this be the one you remember the most. I think it will for me for sure. I was a whole person this year, my last year. I can remember where and what I did last Turkey day. I’m trying to not cry right now…I have to grieve my former self as this fucking cancer changes me inside and out. I’m not going down easy…I’m kicking and screaming inside …it’s NOT GOING TO GET ME….