This one Takes the Cake

Thanksgiving and boy do I have a lot to be thankful for this year as I face one of the hardest things I’ve ever encountered in my life’s journey. I thought losing my husband and the 8 years of care that I gave to him was hard but this one takes the cake!

Don’t even know where to start this one so here goes, I’m diggin in….left my physician’s office to go downstairs to get meds filled at MDA pharmacy.  I had an MRI early that morning,which I described to you about how difficult it was for me to bear and it was specifically set up for breast imaging. My next appointment that day was my cancer physician and she told me all about my condition and my chemo to start on this coming up Monday and how long this was going to take and when my surgery for the one tumor that will shrink and be removed from my breast. And that I was basically a very healthy person and can take the chemo and that I will be okay,not to worry.. So I  sent out texts to a lot of my friends and family explaining that I was so happy to be able to keep my tata, boobie, breast, knocker, ….then I get a phone call from my physicians office, “come back upstairs Ms.VanBibber,  we have to see you about the MRI.”  She, my physician said,” they saw something in the MRI but  don’t worry, sometimes these machines over amplify and I’m sure that is all this is but it was suggested that you  get another ultra sound” and which I knew that meant more biopsies…I went yesterday morning, Wednesday. Yes, it was difficult, yes, it hurts me so much and yes, I cry like a little baby and yes, they had the lab come in just like the last time and check for cancer cells out of the tissue they removed from me. And YES it is cancerous, malignant, and its on the other side of my left breast….the other side…and yes, that means, there could be more and yes, I am going to lose my breast. This is without my physician telling me, the radiologists told me because I ask! And as I laid there sobbing. As I walked out of the building sadness overcame me, I started thinking how hard this has been and what if I get this again in my right breast. Could I go through this again…I started thinking maybe I should have both of the removed and replaced with implants or my own fat that comes from my belly…yes, they build you breasts from the fat stored in your belly or thighs…more surgery, more pain, more recovery. No nipples, no feeling…but I will be alive. These are my choices. I will lose my hair in a couple of weeks, the two things about me that I’ve loved, that men have loved about me…my boobie and my hair..well, hopefully they, the ones that really counted,   loved me not my body but who am I kidding. The physical attributes is what first attract the opposite sex, then the inside spiritual part of a person is connected.  Or does that all happen at the same time.? I’ve always been proud of the way I looked, I’ve taken good care of myself over the years, like my Mother, I have always looked younger than my real years. This disease is tearing down my core and I hate it and I want it out of me. So, I have to be changed inside and out, my mental physical  image of myself is going to change…how in the hell am I going to deal with this? Aging is one thing this is different.  If I leave it alone, it will kill me…dead. I’m not ready to die yet, who is? Early in August right before I got my cancer news a friend of mine was walking across the street from where he lived to pick up a pizza and was struck by a car and killed instantly.  He was 57 years old and I had been sending him cell phone pictures of me and friends dancing at my birthday party and he was dead, he never saw them.  He lived in W. Virginia and I was the last person  he spoke to on his cell phone. So, the Sheriff contacted me at 3am to tell me that my friend had been killed. We went to high school together and was of course from my hometown.  On my birthday and the day before my first ultra sound biopsy. So, he never knew that I had tested positive for cancer and I never got to speak to him again. So, do we ever get to choose our deaths, do we know how we are going to pass on?. Do we live forever? Do we get to see our loved ones in that place called heaven or hell? Do we come back as little babies and choose our families? Does death hurt, do we really burn in hell when we have not lived a stellar life? Who is the judge of our lives? Do we float around and haunt our enemies, the people that have done us wrong,  can we communicate with our friends and relatives? I know somebody is going to think either I’m ignorant or off my rocker…do I care…NO…what you think of me is none of my business.ARe you still going to like me when I’m bald and fat from the steroids that I have to take?. And I don’t even know for sure, well, sorta sure, that this is going to happen. So today, I am grateful to just be alive and able to cook a huge Thanksgiving dinner and serve it to my friends.  I wish I could give everyone a hug for loving me and being there for me.  I think I think too much. I have so much to say and editing this is hard. Repaying kindness is by being kind to someone else. Thank you everyone for standing by me while I go through this living hell. As we all remember Thanksgiving past, may this be the one you remember the most. I think it will for me for sure. I was a whole person this year, my last year. I can remember where and what I did last Turkey day. I’m trying to not cry right now…I have to grieve my former self as this fucking cancer changes me inside and out. I’m not going down easy…I’m kicking and screaming inside …it’s NOT GOING TO GET ME….

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7 Responses to This one Takes the Cake

  1. Cindy Peterson aka Cindy Lou Who says:

    Hey Sam I Am, I know it’s tough right now and all the craziness that runs through your head which is all perfectly legitimate and normal and nope you shouldn’t care what any body else thinks about it…. it’s your truth for the moment or for the season and valid.

    I know that I probably already told you this when we first talked but now that you have some information I will say it again. If your insurance will pay for a bilateral masectomy that is the route that I recommend. Like I said, it’s like a free boob job with tummy tuck and they can do the surgery all at one time which is soooo much easier on you phychologically. So you do not wake up missing a boob and have to deal with that and a future reconstruction. They can do it all at once and you wake up with a different body which in some ways might look better….no belly no flab and and breasts that are “perkier”. You can get nipples added after a few months as an outpatient in office thing without anesthesia and they tatoo color on them. I have never gone back for the nipples because I just didn’t feel the “need”. If I was to have a relationship with a man again, I would hope that he would love me for me and then I might get the nipples just to look more normal. As it is, I look like a Barbie. lol Besides I still entertain the thought that I might be able to make a lot of money as a stripper just off the novelty of being “nippleless” a life size Barbie. lol

    I think you would be so much better off to do it that way. They tell you the chances of you getting it in the other breast are somewhere between 20-25 percent and you think well I won’t be in that percentage BUT then there I was less than 3 months after I finished original surgery on one breast that took latissimus muscle from my back (I don’t recommend) and tons of high dose chemo because it was advanced stage. There that motherfrog was again on the other side and I had to start over with the whole thing, more surgery and chemo. If I had done it right the first time, it would have saved me a lot of time, pain and suffering both mental and physical. PLEASE HEED MY WORDS AND MAKE IT EASY ON YOURSELF. It may not seem like the easiest thing short term but believe me if you have it show up again you will be kicking your own ass forever. I made the mistake of choosing a surgery that had a shorter recovery time and what I perceived as less pain. WRONG. What they mean when they give you a recover time is the time it actually takes incisions to heal completely….they don’t mention that the stuff that is kind of always different and possibly uncomfortable forever….such as removing a piece of your latissimus muscle on only side causes your back muscles to be constantly compensating for that loss so my back hurts a lot and the place where the took the muscle has a deep aching by the end of most days….just annoying.
    Anywho…..try to have a happy turkey knowing that you are alive and can be for years to come. Her2 has a better response rate than estrogen receptive cancers so THAT is a good thing even though it is generally an aggressive form it has a better drug to treat it. Also, even though things are changing in your body….keep in mind that this cancer didn’t just pop up overnite….it has been brewing for years and now you know it’s there and can focus on kicking butt and possibly having a newer tighter bod.

    love you!
    Cindy Lou Who (from Whoville)

  2. miz jewelz says:

    Happy Thanksgiving, Sam. I’m glad we’ve become friends. Keep the faith and remember that this too shall pass. If you need me, I’m right there for you!

  3. Rick Luther says:

    The treatment that Cindy Lou describes is the approach my wife took, and things have gone well for her. She looks very natural, and is happy with the results. It’s been a rough few months (years?) for you, so I hope you had a good turkey day today. Keep hanging in there.

  4. Leslie Sirag says:

    Sam:from W.B.Yeats
    Some have loved your moments of glad grace
    And loved your beauty with love false or true
    But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you
    And loved the sorrows of your changing face…

    Hang in there, my friend. You may not look the same, or even feel the same, but you will still be yourself, the Sam so many people love and cherish.

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