Yup, the appointment stands…It’s the real thing…next Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2010. Here it comes back again to bite me in the ass AGAIN… All I can do is buck up and go, its my second opinion about my missing primary tumor, it’s the treatment plan, it the maybe more surgery plan. Going to the BIG CANCER place makes it all so more real. Nobody goes to MD Anderson that doesn’t have cancer except the people who work there…and me and you….
Last night was a hard night for me. I have taken on the grief of several of my friends right now and I felt like I couldn’t breathe last night. Some of my oldest friends that live in Memphis, home burned down this past Friday night and they got out with their lives which is fantastic beyond words but lost all their belongings and family mementos and a home they had lived in for 14 years. Then my other friends daughter has bad blood work and she is already disabled child since birth and her Mother, my friend, is frantic inside, so afraid that she is going to lose her baby girl. Then my other friend’s daughter was in a very serious auto accident Sunday night and she survived but her best friend didn’t and she was the driver. Just awful situation and so very very sad for so many people, all the lives that are affected….I cry…. And another girlfriend was left to clean out a house that her Mother had died in 8 years ago by herself and it was like she was reliving her death…and it’s going to be a very long process for her to do this all alone….It is beyond sad…all of these stories are beyond sad and I so want to be there for them and I have but it just breaks my heart to see and hear all these people in such pain. And I’m in pain too, in my heart and soul. But, I guess this is just the ying and yang of life, nothing is permanent. Life is ever-changing, if you don’t change it yourself of your free will…seems to happen anyway no matter how hard you try to make things stand still, they just don’t. I don’t think I’ve noticed this before as much until I got ill. It is so much more apparent to me now. The only thing you can count on is that Nothing is permanent, people, places and things change and evolve and move on. Just when you think things are okay, they are right now, you are finally in a groove, you are happy as two peas in a pod, got the wife, car, husband, child, new shoes, business, house, apartment,boyfriend, girlfriend, job,new puppy, new cat, turkey, date, school, bicycle, life!!! of YOUR DREAMS….something can happen to take it away from you so fast, faster than it took for you to get it or get it done….BAMB , change….change..change…and sometimes, it ain’t pretty, sometimes it is just want you needed to move one to another dimension or situation or whatever….. and we grieve or we are deliriously happy. I feel like I’m sitting still and everything is happening around me…all this swirling energy of despair….and its hard to deal with..sometimes…..There is even some more things going on in my current life that I can’t even write in this blog for fear of repercussion, secrets….the secrets that we keep or let out sometimes hurt other people. Sad sad sad…maybe I take on other people’s feelings too much, maybe I have become more sensitive since my life has so radically changed in the past two years. I counted this morning, I have lived in 7 places since 2000….I lived in my home for 8 years and had an accident right after I got married and the ball started rolling downhill fast…and it went up for a short while and now its rolling downhill again….I’m ready for the ball to go up again, they say, you can’t keep going down down down, life will start to turn up at some point, it’s a big circle and it goes clock wise, and I’m about to get right past 6…7 is curving up, 8 looks much better,…here come 9 and so on and on and on…then you roll back down again on the other side and I hear you can stay in one area for a long time….so…come on life, hand me that 7 so I can feel like things are getting a little better…slid me up the scale…I’m ready. I feel better already. Thanks for listening to my rants and raves…..