Anxiety

Ohhhh, I’m sad…I hate this. I was reading a book about cancer and all the crap it does to you, the surgery, the reconstruction, the Daddy Doctors, when you hear the words, YOU HAVE CANCER….when it all over with and the depression sets in because there is nothing left to do but live your life..all the “attention, special things people do for you” are all gone…and how people who you thought were going to be there for you slip away…I read all this tonight…was it meant for me to FEEL better about what I’ve got? or a reference of what is to come? I just had to throw the fucking book across the room…I coulnd’t read it anymore, I can’t even pick it up.

I should be happy because tomorrow, I am getting a new/used car, somebody else’s art car that eventually I will change to reflect my own personality, my own art…but I will drive it till I feel like changing it…and I know me, that won’t be long. But it runs, goes through inspection, windows roll up and down, I can actually drive it on the freeway, I will be free to go and come without worrying that I’m not safe or gonna make it back home. At least I hope it’s that good. I am a romantic nostalgic person and I don’t want to give up my leopardmobile. Changes more changes…I love my little car, she has gotten me from point A to Z for a long time but not in such good condition anymore. I am going from a 1996 Toyota Camry to a 1996 Saturn..is that a good thing? Anxiety…anxiety…I just don’t know what to do….with my life with anything…everthing is shaky and uncertain in my life.

I went to get my pet scan Thursday and the hospital once again had my appointment mixed up. I got a bone scan instead and have to wait a week for the pet scan because they inject you with radioactive shit in your arm and it takes a week to get it out of your system… You see you have to prepare for each test, certain things you can do and can’t do. And in my mind, I was prepared for the pet scan like they TOLD me I was scheduled for. I can no longer get upset, my friend was livid enough for both of us. She has been walking down this path with me…then we went to get my compression sleeve because my left arm is swollen up twice the size it is supposed to be, I now have lumphomena..I had a lengthy conversation with the owner of this Women’s Health boutique on the phone and had everything in line, all my question s asked, do you take Medicaid? ARe they in Stock, in my size and pressure? Then when we get there, there was a huge question if they took Medicaid, then it was going to be a week or maybe longer before it is approved. Well, look at my arm…I’m in pain, can you please just let me have it now because I’m hurting so much and your employee or you told me it was there and all I had to do was show up and get one! Well, hell no…she can’t possibly do anything like that…WHATEVER…I thought Robin was going to come unglued…I just can’t anymore…they have wrung me out.

I am still not in treatment mode…surgery is one thing…treatment like am I going to get chemo, am I going to have radiation, do I still need to have a mastectomy… what kind of drugs will I take, what is going to happen to my hair, will it look the same, will it come back thick and beautiful as it is now…my black eyebrows will fall out too he told me, and my eyelashes…fuck this shit……nothing is answered…I’m still considered weird case because they can’t find the tumor, the mother tumor…why put such a nice adjective in front of such a shitty thing… (blank) tumor.   the bone scan and pet scan are to see if I have cancer somewhere else…its almost unbelievable that I have to WAIT so LONG to find this shit out…long weekends, doctors don’t work on the weekends, but we still have cancer on the weekends…when the whole world is relaxing and enjoying time with their families, their boyfriends, sports, going to movies, I still have cancer…i cannot get away from it…I fucking hate  this…I go to sleep ALONE, I wake up alone and I still have cancer and you are out partying and not worrying about a damn thing…oh, yes, I try to party my butt off…I went dancing Thursday night at Discovery Green to a fantastic band and going to art opening tomorrow night, then to hear Wanda Jackson at Continental….I smile when people ask me how I feel…I fake how I feel….I feel like shit, i feel crummy but only you that read this blog know that…I want to make this pain in my heart and my soul and my body go away…..I want to be in the woods now…I want to be back at Cherapa where the animals and nature don’t question me…I don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to wake up and have my arm feel like a balloon about to pop….I want to dance with abandonment and when I stop dancing while I don’t think….I’m me…Sam being lonely and having cancer sucks so bad you can not imagine. I miss my husband, but I didn’t have him for long, only in the scheme of things, he wasn’t able to be there for me, I had to be his brain and body for him. I have no regrets in doing that for him…but it was over and I was ready to go on with my life…I wanted a partner to be with me now…I’m still a fun, sexy, wild, loveable  woman and who is going to want someone who is not whole, not a woman anymore… DAMN IT..I want my life back….I really feel like screaming out a bunch of cuss words right now…if I dance long enough and look up at the stars long enough maybe this will all go away and I’ll be me again…This is changing me and I don’t do change well…I want to go with the flow but I hate the flow…I’m so tired at the moment…I could write about this all night.

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3 Responses to Anxiety

  1. Leslie Sirag says:

    Sam, you are you, you will always be you, and there actually are men who can see and appreciate that whether you have breasts or not. Of course it’s nicer to have them, but they’re actually only essential for nursing.
    I’m beginning to wonder whether this mysterious “mother” tumor even exists.
    What if all the cancer was in the lymph nodes they removed?
    Try an ace bandage on the arm until you get the real thing–someone always has a few kicking around. You could pay for the other thing & get reimbursed by medicaid, but it’s probably expensive.
    It’s OK to say you feel shitty if that’s how you feel–but don’t let it stop you from having as many good times as you can.
    And the same people who were wround before you had cancer will be around when treatment’s over, even if you’re not a “celebrity” any more.
    Gotta go–promised to help my daughter who’ll be home alone with a new baby + an 18-month old today & I haven’t even gone to bed yet. Quick nap, I guess.
    Hang in there (as though you have a choice). Hugs & healing thoughts, Leslie

  2. Noreen says:

    Gang in there, Sam. This is really hard, but you are doing great! Inthink you are even stronger than you imagine! And lucky to have the friends you have, who share the burden! I’m still rooting for YOU! Noreen

  3. Thanks Noreen….you too…I need to call your blog back up and catch up….I’m okay…I will make it to the other side, I just know it, I’m just terrified of the process….

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