I never Knew How Much I love Star Gazing….

It’s Tuesday morning and I haven’t written since last Friday…its time.! First off, I had a long overdue mini vacation in the Big Thicket with wonderful old friends and a nice new friend. Getting back to nature for me is a must every once in a while. I forget how much I long to see the stars at night, actually SEE the millions of stars;so beautiful and I could just fly up and get in them….., and lighting bugs…remember them?  the darkness of the forest, the early morning dampness of dew and the hazy way the morning fog looks among the trees. I saw armadillos, raccoons, lots and lots of rabbits scurrying over the fields. I saw two hawks gliding over the Neches River in unison,like they knew exactly what each others path was going to be, I saw the large wings of a brown owl swoop down through the thick branches of the opposite bank where I was sitting and a blue heron flying low,gliding with ease no flapping of his wings…..skimming the water of the river. It was a majestic view. The best of all was the sun setting on the river, it slid down like a glowing huge  orange ball into the trees and the glow of orange changed the color of the sky to look like fire…if only I had a paint brush in my hand…peace settled in my heart while I sat there with a friend holding my hand, tears streamed down my face and I couldn’t hold back any longer. I grieved for myself…for what I’m losing, for the unknown I’m about to face, I grieved for my husband, I grieved and cried out loud, my heart was broken and yet it seemed to be healing at the same time. I didn’t even realize that my friend was embracing me in his arms while I wailed….until I opened my eyes again.  Recalling this makes warm tears flow down my cheeks now as I write this….  I had forgotten how much I needed to be in the forest, my feet on the earth…no street lamps, no concrete, total darkness, total serenity, no problems to large to solve in this scared place. Feeling the leaves and branches under my feet, walking down a path, holding onto my friends hand in total trust in the dark. It was a huge rush when we got to the end of what seemed like forever, trust in the process. This is what I’ve learned in the forest.   I feel better, like I can handle this with grace and dignity…I must find patience, because I want this over NOW but I have to wait till all my insurance is approved, I am fortunate that I have Medicaid that this is being paid by the government. I can no longer be upset, its not worth it, the stress it does to me to get upset is just not worth it. I guess I will need frequent trips to the forest to calm my nerves and let me know just what is really important in life. We are all in this together…this huge thing called life, I am no more special than you are.  So many other women have gone through this process, I am not special….I am just one of the many women to have to face breast cancer….pray for a cure for cancer. I never thought in a million years that I would come down with this ridiculous disease, not me, not Sam…Sandra….thought I was exempt from this….but unfortunately I fit the profile pretty good. If only I had known not to eat too much sugar, to keep my weight down,to exercise daily, to get check ups regularly, to love myself more, to keep my stress levels down, to have a baby….well guess what? I did know all those things but like you, I thought I was super wo-man,stronger than a speeding bullet,  I was going to change tomorrow, was going to do it later…I wish I had listened and believed…but I know I can’t beat myself up now…that is what I have been doing. I’m only human, we make mistakes but now is my chance to stop making mistakes…do the right thing. They say it’s never too late. I’ve never listened to the “man”, stopped trusting the government, the politicians…I was a hippie, I wanted to change the world when I was younger, I couldn’t fit into the what society said was the right thing to do because it didn’t feel right to me!….I was a Vietnam protester…I’ve always stood up for what the moral majority stood for….I was a rebel and still am…and going back to my roots of my childhood is what is going to heal my heart.  I feel like I’m not making any sense and exposing myself to ridicule today…but this is what my fingers are typing out today, what is in my head….never cared much what people thought of me, I always danced to a different drummer…..I want this peaceful feeling to last for a long time…I guess just taking deep breaths will help…and gazing at the stars if I can see them in Houston’s skies.

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2 Responses to I never Knew How Much I love Star Gazing….

  1. P.A. Mueller says:

    Dance on baby girl. Dance on. That different drummer is a dear friend of mine too. Dance on bare foot and free in the forest. Dance on. All the stars know your spirit. All the critters know your heart. All the stars glow with the purity of your soul. Dance on baby girl. Dance on.

  2. Ann Rodgers says:

    That was beautifully said my dear…..I love you.

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