Where Do I Go Wrong? Its not about me! The Four agreements!

I have lived for 62 years now and life never fails to knock my socks off at a moment’s notice  When you think things are one way and they turn out another way, I’m always shocked, sucker punched. Life experiences sometimes just don’t prepare you for what is around the corner,  I guess we never fully learn everything because if we did then that might be the end. When you’ve learned everything that there is to managing this thing we call life. Makes you realize that you cannot count on anyone but yourself. People still amaze me at their kindness and amaze me at how insensitive and mean they can be in one second. I have tried to always be upfront with folks and I have never expected anything back from people but respect. The same respect that I give to them. Disappointment, I wish that I could never have anymore disappointment in my life  but I guess I’m living a pipe dream. That is a big word with a lot of sad and crazy stuff all attached to and hanging around that word… It just sounds bad and looks bad when you type it or write it down. I feel extreme pain when I see that word no matter how it is used.

I go Monday to get a pet scan and then Thursday to get a bone scan. I wonder if they hurt..? I think the bone scan might but I do know you have to lie still in them while the tests are going on. I will be reading about them today to find out just how they are going to affect me. Oncologist wants to make sure the c hasn’t spread…wowow…in a million years you could have never told me that I would be experiencing all this. My Mother had rheumatoid arthritis and diabetes and died as a result of the many side effects that come with these two diseases. I watched her fingers and toes curl backwards, she could not feed herself or groom herself or walk. Her body shriveled up and holding up her head was hard especially towards the end of her life….it was so sad to see a woman that was a beauty when she was young and she was so young at heart. She had friends of all ages, men women, children loved her…she was generous to a fault, giving freely of what money she had and time to help out others,never asking or expecting anything back. She was a beautiful soul and tried her best to raise her children without a husband or any education. Everyone loved my Mother, she had so many friends and always looked 10 years younger than she was. She was troubled by her own younger years and had problems with growing up and frequently got in trouble with people because her kindness was abused…but the number of people that really loved her was amazing to me always.We had our problems with each other as most daughters and Mothers do but the love that I felt from her was always there..she did what she could to take care of us and it wasn’t perfect but I learned a lot from her.

When she was sick…Fluid would fill her lungs and she felt like she was suffocating and she was. We would rush her to the hospital and have a huge syringe plunged into her back and the fluid drained off. She immediately felt  better. I watched the doctor do this to her once and I threw up.I never watched after that…her illness was horrific but her spirit was always high…. I am my Mother’s oldest daughter and I watched her go down at age 54 with this horrible disease. I lost her at age 65 and losing your Mother is something you never get over. no matter how much you didn’t get along and the imagined and real treatment you got growing up. I still miss our talks, our daily phone calls after i moved to Texas and the many times I flew home to be with her because she was ill and in the hospital. I spend hundreds of dollars on plane fare. I always all my life have feared becoming ill like she was I vowed to take better care of myself and I have and did but what happened to me? I never had children and that is one of the causes of breast cancer, not giving birth, no breast-feeding, I took compounded hormones for 10 years after my hysterectomy, I became depressed after things that happened to me last year and stopped exercising and gained weight, dancing was my only exercise and running up and down the stairs to my apartment. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get depressed but I did and I didn’t mean to not have children, I lost two, i didn’t mean to grieve so hard when I lost my business and my husband…life just happened to me all at once. So, i didn’t get the disease that my Mother had but I got another one that for me seems now so much worse than what she went through.

I’m sad today as you might be able to tell. I need to get positive but when i stop writing and venting, I feel better about myself, about my life. It makes me positive when i write and vent.I get it out of me and make you read it. This disease tears you down and I hear builds you back up if you can survive the storm.I know I am on an adventure, not a good adventure but things I need to learn. I know that adversity makes us better people  makes us stronger…I really and truly thought I was strong enough and was through with adversity and trials and tribulations…guess not!   When I look at my life  honestly I am blessed with many friends like my Mother was. I am so much like her, I chose to believe I got all her good qualities and I have abolished all the bad qualities that I got from her but maybe I haven’t, maybe this is why I am ill..I never wanted to be just like her but I guess I am. I know I am blessed….I have most creature comforts that I need at the moment such as a car, a roof over my head, food, lots of friends and acquaintances, so many people know me from my business that I had for over 20+ years in Houston….. medical treatment thanks to Medicaid, I’m smart, funny, talented, artist, creative, kind and loving and honest. I try to be a good person and help those less fortunate than me, I inherited my Mother’s big heart….and lots and lots of her wise saying and some funny ones too….”you can always look over your shoulder and see someone worse than you are, so count your blessings Sandra”she would say to me!….what more can you ask for in a person. let me know please where I go wrong.

I am going out-of-town for the weekend with friends to the Big Thicket to rest, relax and reflect some more…lololol… so I will be back after my pet scan to report on that next week.  Enojoy your weekend, I plan on it.

Working on living this way for the rest of my life, its’ hard but I am going to try, if you haven’t heard of them…The Four Agreements…here they are below:

The Four Agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

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6 Responses to Where Do I Go Wrong? Its not about me! The Four agreements!

  1. Ella says:

    Good writing. I will say that you won’t feel a thing in the bone scan but I’ve never had a PET scan so I don’t know. I doubt there is any feeling to that, either. Most of these are like x-rays – they look through you to determine what’s going on inside.
    Take good care of your psyche. And please remember to always be positive, even when the negative creeps in. Slay it with love and light. xo

  2. Angela Obenhaus says:

    You are so full of wisdom, I love reading your blogs…even though it is like reading your sadness. You offer so much emotional insight on the reality of this horrible disease. I laugh and cry when I read your blogs…”the four agreements” …great advice. Much LOVE and prayers coming your way, Angela oh the bone scan will be a piece of cake…you will not feel a thing.

  3. Noreen says:

    Good luck, Sam! I thought all the testing was sometimes hardest of all! But the good news is, PET and bone scans are a piece of cake and will get you good information.

    Thanks for your kind words on my blog. Yes, I am doing well, although the cancer experience still looms large in my life.

    One thing my oncologist said to me at diagnosis was, “We don’t know why you got cancer.” No point in blaming yourself for choices you made and circumstances you can’t control. Why is not as important as, what can we do about it now that we have found ourselves in this situation.

    Wishing you the best.

    • Noreen says:

      I was reading about some of your side effects from surgery, and I wondered if you considered getting a referral to a physical therapist who specializes in kymphodema? I needed PT twice during the course of treatment, and it really was miraculous. My PT is also a tai chi instructor, and he recommended taking tai chi, too, and I have found the benefits to be therapeutic both physically and emotionally. (he keeps a copy of The Four Agreements on his desk, coincidentally.)

      One other thing, chemo was a good experience in many ways. A friend always came to jeep me company, and it was fun! Loosing my hair was more difficult than I thought it would be, but it really was a small price to pay–for me, anyway. The antinausea drugs and nuelasta worked great. It did tire me out a bit, but we do need to give ourselves time to heal.

      Good luck, Sam. I’ll be rooting for you in PA.

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