Trying to stay calm and not be upset tonight. My new Oncologist was a nice man, rather a little bit nerdy which I liked a lot. He took notes by hand on a yellow legal pad while I talked. He examined me very carefully and did not hurt me at all, the most gentle breast exam I’ve ever had. But the bad news is this…. He is very concerned that I had breast cancer in my lymph nodes and the tumor is nowhere to be found at the present moment. He said, it is uncommon but it does happen that the main tumor disappears. He has recommended a full pet scan, bone scan and then depending on the findings there and just pray that it hasn’t metastasized somewhere else in my body. During the pet scan it could light up in my breast…but either way, he HIGHLY recommends that I have a mastectomy of the left breast. I wanted to scream bloody murder then….. I just had surgery 2 weeks ago today and now, I have to lose my breast and have reconstructive surgery at the same time….shit…shit shit…Also, the lymph nodes are a stage 3…that is worrisome to everything is…why did I not have the mastectomy when they removed my lymph nodes? My surgeon said that if I had a tumor in my breast that the chemo should take care of it and kill the cells. I’m so confused…so overwhelmed…this is so fuk’ed up….And I have to go and get fitted for a sleeve because of the swelling in my arm, lymphedema… at a Lymphedema Clinic.
I thought that we did the lumpectomy so I wouldn’t lose my breast. Why do I have to go through yet another surgery and another recovery…hell, I haven’t recovered completely from the surgery from 2 weeks ago. My head is so full of information, I can’t sort through it all.
I went to dinner with a girlfriend tonight and couldn’t finish a story I was telling, I would forget…you have no idea how many times I edit what I write here but it seems easier to write my thoughts down than try to talk….I have cried so much, I can’t let myself cry anymore. I hold back my tears and sometimes in the middle of the night I wake up crying..confused, my heart is breaking…I’m so tired of having had so much crap to go through with this, my husband passing just last year….losing my shop…friends everywhere betraying me over somebody else’s lies. Don’t start shouting at me to be positive, don’t start asking me about my shop….I’ve moved on but the trauma of it all is fresh in my mind…I’ve forgiven but I’ll never forget…I’m just tired…aren’t we suppose to be sliding into our golden years…? Yeah, yeah, yeah, getting older…but I’ve always taken pretty good care of myself, except for the last couple of years when all I could do is think and take care Chris and his well-being. I didn’t know you could get free mammograms….just never thought that I would be a suspect for cancer of any type. You don’t have to have it in your family to get cancer….please educate the public….I am single handling trying to do my share by writing this blog. And it is a way for me to vent my feelings….and baby, Sam got some strong ass feelings going on tonight. AND did I mention, CHEMO? that will come after all this other bullshit that I have to go through. Am I bitter, you damn right….I would like to kick somebodies ass right now, I just don’t know who to kick. I just want to slam my hand through a wall…I want something to feel my pain and agony… I’m angry as hell at something, I’m steaming fucking pissed off….my life interruptious….yes, I spelled that right, figure it out…I’m not mad at YOU, I’m mad at the doctors, the system, the cancer..and not in that order.why why why…but understand me, when I write this out it sometimes takes the edge off just a little bit. Sometimes, Mother Nature takes the edge off too….oh GROW UP….I WILL GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS AND SOMEHOW, I KNOW THAT I WILL MAKE IT AND BE A BETTER PERSON…but frankly between me and you, I thought I was okay the way I was…thanks MFer…I guess I will shave my own head when the time comes, I will NOT give this crap the honor of making me lose my hair by the hand fulls…I will not. I can’t stop ranting and raving…can’t go to sleep tonight I’m too damn mad.
How am I going to survive? It costs $5.00 everytime I go to this doctors office just to park…sometimes, I don’t have a dollar in my pocket…yes, there was a benefit for me..think about your daily spending and your household bills, life’s little things that happen, a tire blows, a car needs repair…I am really just venting all my stuff tonight…I don’t buy anything frivolous….fuck it…I had a job which was hard to get, then I had to quit it because I couldn’t lift anything, it wasn’t much, just part-time but with all the other stuff I do, I could get by…
All I can say right now is whatever…my most favorite useful word when you just want to cop out on life at the moment…like an arrogant teenager…whatever…whatever…it works here for me tonight.