Whatever,Whatever…This is all a Mess!Surgery again…no boobies…I want to hit the wall with my fist……….

Trying to stay calm and not be upset tonight. My new Oncologist was a nice man, rather a little bit nerdy which I liked a lot. He took notes by hand on a yellow legal pad while I talked. He examined me very carefully and did not hurt me at all,  the most gentle breast exam I’ve ever had. But the bad news is this…. He is very concerned that I had breast cancer in my lymph nodes and the tumor is nowhere to be found at the present moment. He said, it is uncommon but it does happen that the main tumor disappears. He has recommended  a full pet scan, bone scan and then depending on the findings there and just pray that it hasn’t metastasized somewhere else in my body.  During the pet scan it could light up in my breast…but either way, he HIGHLY recommends that I have a mastectomy  of the left breast.   I wanted to scream bloody murder then…..  I just had surgery 2 weeks ago today and now, I have to lose my breast and have reconstructive surgery at the same time….shit…shit shit…Also, the lymph nodes are a stage 3…that is worrisome to everything is…why did I not have the mastectomy when they removed my lymph nodes? My surgeon said that if I had a tumor in my breast that the chemo should take care of it and kill the cells. I’m so confused…so overwhelmed…this is so fuk’ed up….And I have to go and get fitted for a sleeve because of the swelling in my arm, lymphedema… at a Lymphedema Clinic.

I thought that we did the lumpectomy so I wouldn’t lose my breast. Why do I have to go through yet another surgery and another recovery…hell, I haven’t recovered completely from the surgery from 2 weeks ago. My head is so full of information, I can’t sort through it all.

I went to dinner with a girlfriend tonight and couldn’t finish a story I was telling, I would forget…you have no idea how many times I edit what I write here but it seems easier to write my thoughts down than try to talk….I have cried so much, I can’t let myself cry anymore. I hold back my tears and sometimes in the middle of the night I wake up crying..confused, my heart is breaking…I’m so tired of having had so much crap to go through with this, my husband passing just last year….losing my shop…friends everywhere betraying me over somebody else’s lies. Don’t start shouting at me to be positive, don’t start asking me about my shop….I’ve moved on but the trauma  of it all is fresh in my mind…I’ve forgiven but I’ll never forget…I’m just tired…aren’t we suppose to be sliding into our golden years…? Yeah, yeah, yeah, getting older…but I’ve always taken pretty good care of myself, except for the last couple of years when all I could do is think and take care Chris and his well-being. I didn’t know you could get free mammograms….just never thought that I would be a suspect for cancer of any type. You don’t have to have it in your family to get cancer….please educate the public….I am single handling trying to do my share by writing this blog. And it is a way for me to vent my feelings….and baby, Sam got some strong ass feelings going on tonight. AND did I mention, CHEMO? that will come after all this other bullshit that I have to go through. Am I bitter, you damn right….I would like to kick somebodies ass right now, I just don’t know who to kick. I just want to slam my hand through a wall…I want something to feel my pain and agony…  I’m angry as hell at something, I’m steaming fucking pissed off….my life interruptious….yes, I spelled that right, figure it out…I’m not mad at YOU, I’m mad at the doctors, the system, the cancer..and not in that order.why why why…but understand me, when I write this out it sometimes takes the edge off just a little bit. Sometimes, Mother Nature takes the edge off too….oh GROW UP….I WILL GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS AND SOMEHOW, I KNOW THAT I WILL MAKE IT AND BE A BETTER PERSON…but frankly between me and you, I thought I was okay the way I was…thanks MFer…I guess I will shave my own head when the time comes, I will NOT give this crap the honor of making me lose my hair by the hand fulls…I will not. I can’t stop ranting and raving…can’t go to sleep tonight I’m too damn mad.

How am I going to survive? It costs $5.00 everytime I go to this doctors office just to park…sometimes, I don’t have a dollar in my pocket…yes, there was a benefit for me..think about your daily spending and your household bills, life’s little things that happen, a tire blows, a car needs repair…I am really just venting all my stuff tonight…I don’t buy anything frivolous….fuck it…I had a job which was hard to get, then I had to quit it because I couldn’t lift anything, it wasn’t much, just part-time but with all the other stuff I do, I could get by…

All I can say right now is whatever…my most favorite useful word when you just want to cop out on life at the moment…like an arrogant teenager…whatever…whatever…it works here for me tonight.


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One Response to Whatever,Whatever…This is all a Mess!Surgery again…no boobies…I want to hit the wall with my fist……….

  1. Leslie Sirag says:

    Oh Sam, scream, cry, vent, rage, just don’t take it quietly!
    And of course it’s easier to focus when you’re writing, you can look back at what you’ve said when you hit a “where was I?” moment.
    IF they find the mother tumor, and IF it’s not in your breast, and IF all the tests don’t showcancer in your breast, you can choose not to have the surgery, though I’d certainly get a 2nd opinion.
    Your surgeon is being cautious because your lymph nodes were scary & this cancer is aggressive, but it’s your risk and you can choose it (not that that makes the choice any easier, just that you have one.
    You are a strong & attractive woman with 2 breasts and lots of hair: you will be strong and attractive with one breast & no hair (if you’re going to cut it off you can donate it to a wigs for cancer patients program & then get one,maybe even your own, back when the time comes)–it will just take a little more vision for people who don’t know you to see that.
    Maybe we’ll all donate our hair in your honor.
    We’re ging to a 57th bday party in a couple of weeks for a friend who had cancer before he was 50. It was in remission but now is back, but he’s gotten at least another 7 years–we’re hoping treatment will make it longer.
    50 years ago he’d have died by 50, & even in the last 7 years treatment has improved so he still has a chance, and you have a better one because of all they’ve learned from keeping himan others like him alive — just as yur treatmen, as well as your writing, will benefit those who come after.
    It’s not fair, it’s not OK, but it’s not the end, either.

    And on a more positive note, check out a new beginning, our latest granddaughter, on my Facebook page. We all started as little miracles like this one, and you’re going to be another miracle as you wi this battle.
    Sending love, healing white light, positive energy, prayers, and hope for a better tomorrow for you, Sister Friend.

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