Sausage Fingers

Been  feeling ok, just ok…. this week. My arm is still swollen and I tried to walk yesterday to get back to my exercising and I made it about 4 blocks and pooped out. For the rest of the day, my arm all the way to my fingers were swollen up like a little sausage links and my arm was so tight, it hurt, very painful. I tried elevating it but nothing seemed to make the pain and swelling go down. I propped up on a pillow last night while in bed and woke up with it much better.

Tomorrow is my first visit to my new oncologist to talk about further treatment whether it be chemo or radiation…I haven’t a clue what is going to happen. And I have to heal first before I start chemo. I’m trying so hard to be in the “Moment” or “Living in the NOW” because it keeps me more sane. Otherwise, I would be future tripping and the losing hair part and the other crappy side effects of chemo scares the living hell out of me. I do have a new friend that I met on this blog that is 10 weeks into her chemo. She is my guide post and unfortunately, I think she lost her hair pretty quickly….ugh…just the thought of it sucks. My hair is my crowning glory as MaMa use to call it I have her hair…lots of very thick dark hair…..I can’t tell you how many people tell me that I “might not” lose my hair and I challenge them saying do you actually KNOW somebody that hasn’t….so far…only one person knew someone personally. Not to mention all the other things, side effects that can come with chemo….its hard to not think a little bit about them. But no two people are alike, just like menopause, or child birth, or most any other woman related disease or condition. I’m not even sure what questions to ask tomorrow.

I am so thankful that I have a girlfriend that too has been through this crap…this shit, this monster disease who has gone with me for most of my appointments. It helps to have another set of ears because I get overwhelmed and shut down when they start telling me what is about to happen. And driving myself home would be as dangerous for me as other drivers on the road….Chemo is poison and it kills bad cells and good ones too.  I just want my energy level to stay up, I’m so worried about that. I’m such an active person, have been all my life and trying to make me stay at home is a nono as most that know me. I like to go go go…all the time and its a huge part of me. I am planning on going out dancing tomorrow night at Fitz’s with some lady friends and then to Discovery Green Thursday night and maybe a 3 day weekend trip to the Big Thicket to someones house for some nature and reflecting. And I would be hitching a ride with my friends that live up in Splendora, they would drive all the way here to pick me up and then back past where they live…I have some marvelous people in my life. I am blessed with nice people who do love me as much as I love them. I do hope that the weekend works out.

I thrive on diversity and moving around, I like to move around a lot, never been a sit down kind of girl, my mind-body and soul always wants to explore and experience new and familiar things, that is what keeps me alive and the thought that I might not be able too is horrifying to me. I guess I am future tripping now….see its so hard to stay on track….I need to pray…need to visualize that I’m well and living in a wonderful old house in the Heights again, my own home with a doggie and my kitties and maybe a partner…the pickins are slim out there for us ladies. And now that I’m not well….well, you know where I’m going with this. Makes me sad…not going there now…Well, wish me luck tomorrow…don’t have a clue what is going to happen. All I know is that they are going to hunt and peck on me to try to find the nasty tumor.

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4 Responses to Sausage Fingers

  1. Mitch Cohen says:

    Love you Sam – keep to the positive.

  2. Randy Keith says:

    Just remember – knowledge is power, so tomorrow you’ll have more power!! I hope you like your new Dr. and that he puts you at ease. At least you’ll know what to expect and hopefully that’ll relieve some of your fears. I love you and now, more than ever – “sleep tight and don’t let the bed bugs bite, bite, bite!! ” Randy

  3. Leslie Sirag says:

    Sam, my cousin, my BIL and another friend (all male, is that coincidental?) all didn’t lose their hair. I’m hoping this oncologist can locate the “mother tumor”. New radiation techniques let them target just the tumor instead of irradiating a whole area (& I think it’s that more then the chemo, that causes hair loss)–my BIL had little dots tattooed so they’d know where to aim! Hang in there–your spirit is your biggest asset–though friends can’t hurt either!

  4. P.A. Mueller says:

    Holding you high in my heart. You are an unexpected to gift in my life. Like so many others who love you…if I could take this burden from your lovely shoulders…I would. Failing that…you have my love…you have my prayers…you have heart.

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