I have so many beginnings in my head today to type out to you. So many that I would think of one and it sounded perfect, then I would lose it in my head….it would swim out like so many of my thoughts these days. I’m so retrospective right now that I can’t seem to find the words to express exactly how I feel.
All I hear on TV is commercials about cancer, look at a magazine advertisements about Find the Cure! Everywhere I look there is something about breast cancer and I am living with it, sometimes I feel like it’s the “in” thing in a very sick disgusting way, to be stricken down with this shitty disease…”just everybody is gettin it” like a new dress or a new nail polish color!!!…that is how a lot of the commercials, advertisements, magazine articles seem……..maybe its just me! ? I don’t know? All I do know that is a fact that is that CANCER SUCKS! It rips your heart out, it makes you a different person…do I like this person that I’m becoming? I’m not sure, one day I’ll let you know…but something as horrible as cancer is making my personality, my looks, my family and friends all different. DAMN IT…Change is hard…no matter if its good change or bad change….its just damn hard.Don’t get me wrong here…I LOVE my FAMILY and my FRIENDS…they have been standing by me throughout this and I even have a lot of new friends that are survivors of Breast Cancer., wait, it doesn’t need to be capitalize…breast cancer…its little…don’t give it any ideas…insignificant….piece of shit….
I offered to give a film maker some of my old photos of Art Car parades, parties, the pictures of the participants in all sorts of crazy costumes, including myself and so I sat and looked at old pictures albums at 6am this morning. My my, my hair styles from the early 80s…oh my. My cute little body, all the crazy things I use to be into…my shop on lower Westheimer, parties,Halloween at Wear It Again Sam, my many lovely employees that many are still my friends, events….men…that danced into my life. My husband that I was married to for 17 years,vacations, my house in the Heights…I’m reeling right now…good memories…and now this! FUCK.
So, yesterday, the surgeon said my incision looked great, I complained about the swelling and the burning and the pain…just gotta deal with it till it stops basically or shut up and get addicted to vicoden…my choice…huh!. And this morning I am not as swollen and not in as much pain. But here is the not so good stuff…he removed 23 malignant lymph nodes…in other words, all of my lymph nodes had cancer. I can actually feel that they or something is missing in my arm pit. It was so swollen and painful before the surgery that part is different now. Said, my cancer is very aggressive, and they still did not find the mother tumor that he hoped would be inside my arm. He even removed the “tail” of my breast tissue but it was benign. Yeah! I got one thing right…. So, I have to find an oncologist immediately to start a battery of testing and to more start my chemo and radiation later..and I will most probably need very aggressive chemo to fight the very aggressive cancer…crap! Crap! Crap! There goes the Holidays…Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas…maybe by New Years I can drink a glass of champagne..cause that is all I’m putting up with. This damn disease is messing with my life now even more than before…I love winter holidays…Lights in the Heights, all the parties at Christmas, being with old friends…parties, Christmas bad t-shirts, cooking turkey, cooking pumpkin bread and dressing up for the MANY Halloween parties…shit.Day of the Dead parties…oh I love my de los muertos http://www.azcentral.com/ent/dead/ my most favorite Holiday ever…!!that is soon too….Am I going to feel like doing any of this? Well, those that know me well know that I’m going to try to do as much as I can. I just can’t let this get to me. This is why I write. write write write write…cry cry cry…some people say I need to stay positive and some people read the positivity in my words here, some don’t…they don’t know me…..I juse pray that I will have the strength to do all that I normally do…or want to do. How am I going to make a living, how am I going to keep on keeping on? I just get up and push one foot out and then the next foot. I just want to vomit out everything I’m feeling now…scream cry..be pissed off…pissed as hell….leave me alone. No, don’t leave me alone…I am alone. We all are in our heads. You might have a partner, a child, a friend…but really all we have is ourselves….am I mad? YUP…I am…crazy as a loon as my MaMa use to say….My goal today, is to find an oncologist that takes Medicaid, convince them that I need to get an appointment fast and then start running to their office. I got too much more living to do!
If anyone out there already has an oncologist that they TRUST AND LOVE…send me to them…pleeze…