I’ve had a nice weekend going to an art opening Saturday night. Went thrift store shopping all day and got some cool stuff. HAd to buy some C. clothes to wear after surgery…we didn’t find many at all and guess I will just wear my bathrobe till I can get into my regular clothes…so don’t be shocked if you come to visit me and I’m still in my bath robe. Not sure of my mobility with the surgery being under my arm pit mainly….yuk. I’ve been relatively calm, accepting of what is to come….but this is Sunday night, I got 2 more nights to freak out! What freaks me the most is just knowing that I have this green dodo in me! And I feel great right now. When I went to my brunch group this Sunday morning, I hadn’t been able to go since I was diagnosed but I was determined to kick up my heels, or rather be myself this weekend cause I don’t know when I will be able to be ME again. Everyone comments on how good I looked and I think some of them thought I was supposed to be “sick looking”, in fact I have changed my diet drastically, eating grass is what I call it and walking a lot…as you that have been following me. And I have now lost almost 9 pounds and since I’m so small boned, it looks like a lot more on me. What is weird is when people say, WOW how much weight have you lost, You look good?!?!? I didn’t know I was fat!! !HAHAHAH but I do feel better except for my anxiety that I never know when its going to hit me… usually at 4 am when I can’t sleep and I get up and start writing.
And the more I write, the more that pours out of the end of my fingertips. Sometimes, I don’t even know what I type until I do a spell check and have to reread it. I frequently surprise myself when I read back. I have never had anxiety panic attacks like I’ve had with this shit, shit shit in me. I took care of my brain-damaged husband for 8 years till he passed and I never flinched a muscle…I stood up and became his protector…but who is going to protect me? Who is going to stand up for me and make sure I get the best care and watched over? This being alone without a partner when you are sick is hard, that is why there is that in sickness and in health till death do us part clause in wedding vows…for stuff just like this. And Now, I’m the one left alone. If you don’t understand how hard this is being alone and being sick…I hope YOU my reader never have to experience it. Yes, I have friends, lots of female friends, a couple of male friends, of all ages but having the person that loves you unconditionally is missing in my life. I think I’ve figured it out, that is why I’m so scared, I got nobody to catch my back. It is not a comfortable warm cozy feeling to be having.
Anything can go wrong…which I won’t go into here cause I’m trying hard not to think about that. I just went through a bout of nausea and stomach upset…probably not what I ate as much as the anxiety that I’m experiencing. I have this person that I show out to people and the other one that is deep inside of me that is not shared and that is the little girl in me that wants her Mama….I’m trying not to cry for myself right now. I can split off into the other person that is just watching all this going on. I am me and then there is that other woman over that that has this green dodo inside her…not me, not Sam.
Got Doctors conference that I called and requested on Friday, tomorrow morning at 10 30am…I have so many more questions I need answering before Wednesday. DAMN…