I want my MaMa

I’ve had a nice weekend going to an art opening Saturday night. Went thrift store shopping all day and got some cool stuff. HAd to buy some C. clothes to wear after surgery…we didn’t find many at all and guess I will just wear my bathrobe till I can get into my regular clothes…so don’t be shocked if you come to visit me and I’m still in my bath robe. Not sure of my mobility with the surgery being under my arm pit mainly….yuk. I’ve been relatively calm, accepting of what is to come….but this is Sunday night, I got 2 more nights to freak out!  What freaks me the most is just knowing that I have this green dodo in me! And I feel great right now. When I went to my brunch group this Sunday morning, I hadn’t been able to go since I was diagnosed but I was determined to kick up my heels, or rather be myself this weekend cause I don’t know when I will be able to be ME again. Everyone comments on how good I looked and I think some of them thought I was supposed to be  “sick looking”, in fact I have changed my diet drastically, eating grass is what I call it and walking a lot…as you that have been following me. And I have now lost almost 9 pounds and since I’m so small boned, it looks like a lot more on me.  What is weird is when people say, WOW how much weight have you lost, You look good?!?!? I didn’t know I was fat!! !HAHAHAH but I do feel better except for my anxiety that I never know when its going to hit me… usually at 4 am when I can’t sleep and I get up and start writing.

And the more I write, the more that pours out of the end of my fingertips. Sometimes, I don’t even know what I type until I do a spell check and have to reread it.  I frequently surprise myself when I read back. I have never had anxiety panic attacks like I’ve had with this shit, shit shit in me. I took care of my brain-damaged husband for 8 years till he passed and I never flinched a muscle…I stood up and became his protector…but who is going to protect me? Who is going to stand up for me and make sure I get the best care and watched over? This being alone without a partner when you are sick is hard, that is why there is that in sickness and in health till death do us part clause in wedding vows…for stuff just like this. And Now, I’m the one left alone. If you don’t understand how hard this is being alone and being sick…I hope YOU my reader never have to experience it. Yes, I have friends, lots of female friends, a couple of male friends,  of all ages but having the person that loves you unconditionally is missing in my life. I think I’ve figured it out, that is why I’m so scared, I got nobody to catch my back. It is not a comfortable warm cozy feeling to be having.

Anything can go wrong…which I won’t go into here cause I’m trying hard not to think about that. I just went through a bout of nausea and stomach upset…probably not what I ate as much as the anxiety that I’m experiencing.   I have this person that I show out to people and the other one that is deep inside of me that is not shared and that is the little girl in me that wants her Mama….I’m trying not to cry for myself right now. I can split off into the other person that is just watching all this going on. I am me and then there is that other woman over that that has this green dodo inside her…not me, not Sam.

Got Doctors conference that I called and requested on Friday, tomorrow morning at 10 30am…I have so many more questions I need answering before Wednesday. DAMN…

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7 Responses to I want my MaMa

  1. Jewelz Cody says:

    Sam, please take someone with you to take notes at the conference.

  2. Ann Rodgers says:

    I bought 4 pairs of c clothes, you see they are called pairs because you have a top and bottom. The top unzips easily and the bottoms are non-binding pull ups. Yes, Sam I have been there. And I got through it without a partner. My little Mother and her sister, my aunt , came up and my surgeon called them skinny and skinnier. They were flattered not offfended. They are both very pretty women. But they were scared for me, the surgeon told them I had a baseball sized mass in my belly. It all turned out okay Sam. I recovered after a few months, I was just like before, lazy and eating poorly. You made a point in one of your blogs about changing. You have to. I realized what had made me sick, it was my lifestyle. I can’t say that I changed much since my surgery, atleast not a lifestyle change, but mentally, I learned something….what was important in my daily living, who was important, and most importantly I learned not to sweat the small stuff. It’s okay if you don’t make your bed, no-one cares. The only person who really criticizes your body is you. So stop doing that, it’s only detrimental to you. The people that care about other people don’t really care about your faults, if they love you, they just do. That makes it easier to understand. It took a major illness for me to grasp this notion, but when I got it, I held on with both hands. It takes time but you learn so much, and you get past so much. That lump in your throat gets easier to swallow. The tears don’t fall so readily. You notice that face in the mirror is smiling again. Time heals. It just takes time.

  3. Leslie Sirag says:

    Sam, I wish I could be there to hold your hand in person.
    Scrubs might work as a c-clothes alternative? Probably easier to find.
    Didn’t realize the surgery is so soon! How can I have missed that?
    What size are you?
    This is scary, but keep refusing to let your life be ruled by fear–you will not just survive, but still be your life-loving self.

    • Leslie, I know we haven’t spoken much since all this has happened…I have read your emails and posts…thank you. I’m a bit overwhealmed with this disease and with just everything. My brian is so full of information, things, my own mortality, my friends love(which I’m not complaining about) my past, my future…
      I have to have things that button snap up the front, and when I went and looked, I couldn’t find much that I could wear. I hope this is for a short time because being the owner of a vintage clothing shop for most of my adult life, I have TONS of clothes but really its hard to build a wardrobe out of snap up the front clothes…lololol..out of my closet. I’m a girly girl….whatever…this fucking c is changing me in ways that I’m fighting…refusing to give in. I’m short, 4.10 and have now lost a little bit of weight from eating more of a raw diet but its hard to stick to just that. Got off sugar somewhat…I have been drinking a bit which is sugar laden and should have already stopped that but COMEON….a little 420 helps quite a bit.Thank you for your kind suggestion. I am rambling now and must get my list together for the Dr. Today in a couple of hours. Remember when I first told you about the lump under my arm? You were one of the FEW people that I told.
      Please keep me in mind on Wednesday and as soon as I can move about, I will be back on here telling everyone how I am. Thanks for being my frined….Sam

  4. Cindy Peterson aka Cindy Lou Who says:

    Hi Sam! I’m in West Palm Beach staying at my cousin’s house. Came out to visit the Hippocrates Institute and plan to do their 3 week life change program soon. As you know, I am already on a raw living foods diet and it has made a big difference in how I feel. It is EXTREMELY important to be vigilant about what you put into your body. Sugar feeds cancer, than means any kind of sugar as in bread, pasta, white rice, alcohol. Don’t feed the son of bisquit eater. Starve that mother frog to death so you can live!

    As far as who is gonna, have your back? You are. You are going to become your own advocate, you will do lots of research about what is happening to you so that you will know how to have a conversation with the doctors and know what questions to ask. This experience, while scary and overwhelming right now, will make you a stronger and more enlightened human being and you will go on to help others.

    It’s all gonna be ok. When I get back I will call you and come visit.
    Until then, may God bless you and keep you from harm and enlarge your territories according to your special talents.
    Cindy Lou

  5. Angela Obenhaus says:

    You are a strong person, it is evident in your blog…you are also very honest with yourself, and I have to say, a very good writer.

  6. Chris Matthews says:

    Sam, hang in there girl. I just finished going through this whole ordeal. Writing, blogging helped me get through it too. Put it ALL on my Facebook page. For all my friends and family to read. Pour it all out baby. Don’t worry about no hair..it’s JUST hair. It will grow back again. Don’t worry about looking like a cancer patient. You WILL be one, accept it and embrace it. Embrace the kindness of strangers too, as that will come along with it all. Walk proud, and bald, through the world.

    I am also alone, no husband, no boyfriend. I got through it. One day at a time, just like an alcoholic. I had panic attacks until I realized the only way to get through it – for me – was to let the Lord carry me in His arms. You know that poem “Footprints”? It became my mantra. I don’t know if you are religious or spiritual or what, but I swear to God, it helped me get through everything. You CAN do it alone, except that you are NOT alone. God is with you every step of the way. Hang in there…one day at a time. I’m praying for you girl!

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