A Living Nightmare That I can’t Wake Up from….damn

Okay, its countdown time. 6 more days till I get my surgery and today is one of those days. Monday when I went to the doctor’s office, I was elated to know that I was soon going to be free of the ugly stuff inside of my breast. Knowing that I had a “strange” breast inside of my body didn’t sink in until much later this week. What does this mean actually? Is this why I got cancer, will I get in the other side of my body? Will I be one of those people who just get sewn back up and said, Sorry, we can’t get it all and there is nothing we can do because your breast tissue is “Strange, weirdly shaped and we don;t know what to do?” I try to control my thoughts and sometimes, I shove them way far back into that deep dark recesses of my brain where I’m only allowed to think of them when I’m alone or in bed trying to sleep so no one will know just how scared I really am. I try to pretend that I am normal, that I’m not sick so no one will think of me as that way. I am in hiding inside my own head. I’m alone in the busy house that I live in, my roommate is gone to work, my friends that frequently pop over are not here, my roommate’s boyfriend is at work, I sit alone here in this room in front t of my computer…I want to go to work, I want my job…my life…I want my life….FUCK IT… what should I do next, clean my bedroom up so when I come home from the hospital my friends won’t think I’m a slob and maybe that is why I got cancer? Is it okay to have piles of clothes in your bedroom when you are recovering from cancer, from surgery? Why can’t I sleep with my Cats…they love me and depend on me so much..and comfort me too when noone else can….How much of my breast is going to be left? And I going to be disfigured  and ugly….I have beautiful breasts, my lovers and my husbands have  told me so. I’ve had three husbands, first one died was murdered shortly after we divorced…he was not a nice person, my second one is alive and well living with his Vietnamese wife, he was a Vietnam veteran and I don’t understand why he then married a Vietnamese woman. He teased me all those long 20 years of wedded bliss that he secretly wanted a woman who was Vietnamese…is he really happy now? My third husband died last year on Feb. 2 due to the results of a motorcycle accident 43 days after we were married.  I took care of him for 9 years and he slowly withered away from all the wear and tear on his little mind and body. It was almost the saddest thing in my life until this! DAMN IT….I don’t deserve all this….I have paid my dues.  Hot tears stream down my face…I don’t want to say WHY WHY WHY…because the nurse told me not to do that. WHY and I not suppose to say WHY? What would happen if God actually answered me and said, it was my fault…I was a bad girl one day and this is his punishment to me!

How in the hell am I going to get through this all. I have my roommate and our friend taking me to the hospital next week so my car doesn’t have to sit in a parking lot incurring charges that I don’t need to pay. My brothers and sister  can’t or don’t want to come and be with me, they all live far away and one of them is sicker than me with heart disease…I’m the oldest of 5 and I took care of each and every one of them as children…my Mother just had them and gave them over to me to care for and raise..I raised my siblings and I was nothing more than a child myself…Where are THEY when I need help?  so…..My best friend girlfriend  is coming up to the hospital to spend the night with me, then another good girlfriend is picking me up and carrying me home, and then Friday another good  friend is driving up from another city to stay by my bedside while I lay there…am I going to be in pain, am I going to be able to do anything? My roommate and I went to a thrift store yesterday to buy me CANCER CLOTHES…that I can step into or pull up from the floor or button down the front, because I won’t be able to lift my arms. Am I going to be able to sit at the computer and pour out my feelings? I’m so damn mad right now…my life is on hold…and out of my control…and I can’t make it any different.

I am going out to Discovery Green tonight to hear some Blues music…perhaps my most favorite music ever. I’m going to dress up and look fantastic and dance my ass off just because I don’t know when I will be able to do this again and have the energy to do it. I hear and read that you lose your energy when you get this sick…the chemo will zap you and the surgery will just make you feel like shit, is this crap going to come back into my body in another place, will the surgeon get it all……I’m so scared of what I’m going to look like but yet, I will be alive…I just want to scream…I HATE the unknown…I’ve always been in control of myself and now this fucking disease is controlling me but I’m not going to let it take me down…fuck you cancer…I hate you more  anything in my life.And I’m NOT A HATER..I’m crying so hard right now I can hardly type…I’m so angry…I would pull my hair out but its going to fall out anyway when I get chemo….everyone says to me, You don’t know how the chemo is going to affect you Sam…just wait…your hair may not fall out…they are all lying to me. I make jokes about being bald…I’m terrified inside….I don’t want to look like a CANCER VICTIM.…I’ve seen women shopping in stores bald with their little do-rags on their heads..the ones that wear wigs, you can’t tell…but I always felt this sense of feeling so sorry for them….DONT FEEL SORRY FOR ME PLEASE….I HATE THIS…My heart is wracked with pain  right now and I’m shaking….Please please somebody give me a pill to take…not cut my breast don’t take make my beautiful hair fall out, not make me get fat from the chemo…not make me skinny from having no appetite, I’m just a mess this morning…I could go on and on about how I feel….I need to go out and walk this off, I want to wake up and make this all a very very bad nightmare like I use to have as a child…nightmares…but you could wake up and they would be gone…I was plagued by them as a child…I know why and I can’t even tell you why right now…but this is a living nightmare..I would trade the other ones for this. I have to stop and walk……

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One Response to A Living Nightmare That I can’t Wake Up from….damn

  1. P.A. Mueller says:

    Let it rip baby girl. Let it rip. For myself…when the massive monsters eat at my brain and soul…the only way to deal is to open the door and drag them into the light. Drag the bastards out. Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.

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