Today, at 1 30pm I meet with my Doctor to discuss my options. I am anxious, sad, excited and filled with anxiety…and yet calm….how can I be all those things at the same time? If you know that you have cancer somewhere in your body, or ever had it in your body you can understand. I feel these things not all at once, but throughout the day, they skip around like you did when you were a child. Except each feeling or emotion is intensified to the highest it can possibly be.
Your skipping down the street and you stop and pick up a rock, your happy and you throw the rock down the street…. then you start skipping again and you trip and fall down and skin you knee, it hurts you hurt……you run home and cry to your Mother, pain, anxiety, she kisses your bobo and puts a band-aid on it and she’s gives you an ice cream cone, your feeling good again and you are calm…, then you start skipping down the street again, and the neighborhood bully tries to take away your ice cream, and you get scared, full of anxiety again, and you run for life, you run back home and there’s Mom into the safety of her arms. But there is no Mother to run home too here…no arms to hold me, I have to do it myself, to me…I reach out to people, friends, strangers, and they can’t give me the love and security that I can give to myself. I have to pull it out of me….don’t get me wrong here, I have received so much LOVE from my friends and people I don’t even know I should be good to go for the rest of my life. I am so grateful. But the best love is from within, this is my lesson that cancer is teaching me, to love me….to love myself. To forgive my enemies and people who have done me wrong in the past, and doing so will release me to love me…and then I can love you more. I don’t think I knew what I was going to say here as I typed…and I’m just letting something else inside of me write all this. I’ve never been sick with such a scary illness before and it changes the person that you thought you were to something better…a better version of me….not even sure any of this makes sense to anyone but myself.
Thanks for reading …..
“I am in the process of positive change. I am unfolding in fulfilling ways. Only good can come to me. I now express health, happiness, prosperity, and peace of mind.” Louise Hay