Well….here goes, I got a phone call from the Doctors office today. My physician’s assistant called me. My biopsy was benign no cancer, no tumor in my breast….Well, MD Anderson The Rose said I had a tumor in my breast, St.Joseph’s hospital biopsied that so-called tumor, I received 3 mammograms, 2 cat scans, and one biopsy of my lump nodes…and now, I don’t have a tumor!!!!????WTF….DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW????? St Joseph’s gave me three mammograms and one cat scan and biopsied my breast where the suspect tumor was supposed to be…the Radiologist said, I don’t know why I’m doing this, I can’t find anything that looks like a tumor! I begged him to not do the test but he said better do it anyway. So, did all the prayers work on the tumor and its gone and they didn’t work on the lymph nodes…? I’m so confused……..so, I now have an appointment that has been moved up from Wednesday next week to Monday…the assistant said, Dr.W wants to perform an open surgery. I said, what is that, she said, I will let you discuss that with him on Monday. so I looked it up. It’s pretty confusing…a longer cut, a longer surgery time, longer recovery time, sometimes with camera, or probes….but I still have cancer in my lymph nodes and who knows where else. This has gone on for so long to me, I’m a little scared. Can I get a pet scan where they test and scan your whole body for cancer. Will my Medicaid pay for such a test. I was told these tests cost about $7000.00….life in the LAND OF THE FREE with no insurance is very suckass….I have to now wait MORE TIME…without knowledge of what he thinks, what my treatment plan is going to be, will I have options, do I have to take chemo therapy?, radiation?…questions questions….I wish I could sleep till Monday at noon and wake up and get dressed to go to his office. The waiting is total misery. Don’t tell me to be positive, don’t tell me to not say don’t that the universe can’t hear don’t…so when you say I don’t want that…all it can hear is I want that!? WTF…You call me when you get diagnosed with Cancer and see how you feel…
I grew up in an era when if someone had cancer and it was usually somebody old, or your classmate gets luckemina and dies…people died…and I know that many people live after their treatment…but I can’t even seem to get it started….my frustration level is high…anxiety…remember High Anxiety? That was a movie in the 70s I think…I’m living it…NOW.
I am silently screaming inside my head all times when I’m awake. You NEVER stop thinking about it…..FUCK CANCER!
Find a cure, let us know what the cure is….
Please donate to any Cancer Program even $5.00…they all add up…if you don’t do it for me, do it for your Sister, your Mother, Your Father, the man next door, the newborn baby down the street….it touch’s everyone’s life and when it touched mine…..I just couldn’t believe it. I cry all the time, everyday, some days all day long. Yes, I am positive…I am positive that I’m going to beat this but crying is something you can’t help. So if you see me at Kroger’s or Fiesta or at The Art Market or walking down the street and I’m crying just give me a hug…I’m having a bad night. Sorry folks…. But if you see me out dancing…join me because until I start my treatment or surgery I’m going to live my life as I did before…. don’t(here goes that don’t word again) judge me if I’m out having a good time…please…don’t tell me to go home and rest..I do not want to rest…I want to live…LIFE LIFE LIFE FUCK CANCER FUCK CANCER