Well….here goes, I got a phone call from the Doctors office today. My physician’s assistant called me. My biopsy was benign no cancer, no tumor in my breast….Well, MD Anderson The Rose said I had a tumor in my breast, St.Joseph’s hospital biopsied that so-called tumor, I received 3 mammograms, 2 cat scans, and one biopsy of my lump nodes…and now, I don’t have a tumor!!!!????WTF….DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW????? St Joseph’s  gave me three mammograms and one cat scan and biopsied my breast where the suspect tumor was supposed to be…the Radiologist said, I don’t know why I’m doing this, I can’t find anything that looks like a tumor! I begged him to not do the test but he said better do it anyway.  So, did all the prayers work on the tumor and its gone and they didn’t work on the lymph nodes…? I’m so confused……..so, I now have an appointment that has been moved up from Wednesday next week to Monday…the assistant said, Dr.W wants to perform an open surgery. I said, what is that, she said, I will let you discuss that with him on Monday. so I looked it up. It’s pretty confusing…a longer cut, a longer surgery time, longer recovery time, sometimes with camera, or probes….but I still have cancer in my lymph nodes and who knows where else. This has gone on for so long to me, I’m a little scared. Can I get a pet scan where they test and scan your whole body for cancer. Will my Medicaid pay for such a test. I was told these tests cost about $7000.00….life in the LAND OF THE FREE with no insurance is very suckass….I have to now wait MORE TIME…without knowledge of what he thinks, what my treatment plan is going to be, will I have options, do I have to take chemo therapy?, radiation?…questions questions….I wish I could sleep till Monday at noon and wake up and get dressed to go to his office. The waiting is total misery. Don’t tell me to be positive, don’t tell me to not say don’t that the universe can’t hear don’t…so when you say I don’t want that…all it can hear is I want that!? WTF…You call me when you get diagnosed with Cancer and see how you feel…

I grew up in an era when if someone had cancer and it was usually somebody old, or your classmate gets luckemina and dies…people died…and I know that many people live after their treatment…but I can’t even seem to get it started….my frustration level is high…anxiety…remember High Anxiety? That was a movie in the 70s I think…I’m living it…NOW.

I am silently screaming inside my head all times when I’m awake. You NEVER stop thinking about it…..FUCK CANCER!

Find a cure, let us know what the cure is….

Please donate to any Cancer Program even $5.00…they all add up…if you don’t do it for me, do it for your Sister, your Mother, Your Father, the man next door, the newborn baby down the street….it touch’s everyone’s life and when it touched mine…..I just couldn’t believe it. I cry all the time, everyday, some days all day long. Yes, I am positive…I am positive that I’m going to beat this but crying is something you can’t help. So if you see me at Kroger’s or Fiesta or at The Art Market or walking down the street and I’m crying just give me a hug…I’m having a bad night. Sorry folks…. But if you see me out dancing…join me because until I start my treatment or surgery I’m going to live my life as I did before…. don’t(here goes that don’t word again) judge me if I’m out having a good time…please…don’t tell me to go home and rest..I do not want to rest…I want to live…LIFE LIFE LIFE FUCK CANCER FUCK CANCER

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4 Responses to

  1. Leslie Sirag says:

    Sam, cry, vent, dance, laugh–just don’t quietly give up.
    It would be wonderful if the cancer is only in the lymph nodes & hasn’t spread–much easier to treat if it’s in one spot.
    And people do survive cancer now–remember that!
    It’s the Jewish High Holy Days/Days of Awe, when G-d decides who’ll make it through next year & writes their names in the Book of Life. I’m putting in a special request for you to be there.

  2. Nese says:

    We have a few mutual friends on facebook but cannot send you a message. Another friend of mine has breast cancer and I wanted to share her blog with you, she’s awesome. Best of luck!


    • Thanks I read her blog. Wow…this is what I’vd got to look forward too? HUH…A woman I don’t even know came to my benefit and brought me some clothes. I didn’t understand why at first, since I’m am the vintage clothing queen, but these were picked out by her to wear after surgery. After she lost her breasts and she wanted me to have them because you can’ hold your arms up….snapped up the front, zippered, pull over your head…they were nice but alas, we aren’t the same body type…she is tall and thin, and I short and full…or fluffy as I like to call it. I need to call her and thank her…I cannot still believe this has happened to me….I do not understand. It strikes people that you least expect…no they least expect. Thanks for the blog….I surbscribed to hers.

  3. Hi – damn right go out and have a good time & party – i went to see bob dylan 4 weeks AFTER my big surgury – and i have tickets for upcoming shows, one is day after my last chem in October, can’t wait. fuck em, fuck cancer. I cry some probably every day, about different aspects….but its kinda good. take what you can get, there’s lots of free & helpful stuff out there, email me if you want to know of some
    hugs n stuff
    nanette (glitter every day)

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