I’m Not Caving….no f….way

And yes, did you read my whole statement? I know now that he was not rude because of what just happened to you today and even before today, I told you yesterday about putting on my BGP’s and you may have to remind me from time to time to go in my bedroom and get them out of that special drawer and put them on…and I wasn’t about to cave, it fucking hurt and I cried because it hurt and because I hurt for many reasons and all those millions of reasons swirl about when I laying on those tables with people all around me looking at my body…my breast. I just finally stop trying to cover up, whats the sense?…you lose all your modesty your sense of self….fuck fuck fuck …I can’t cave but I can be upset and cry…Cindy P. sent me this song and I normally would have thought it to be too mushy, too tacky,too corney, too too much…but girl, it hit me in my heart, it hit me in my home….inside of me, allowed me to know its alright to have these feelings….and NO FUCKING WAY do you EVER THINK I’M GIVING UP, I’M CAVING…DON’T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN….Can you hear me YELLING…???All this does seem to corney to me but guess what, it isn’t…its life and sometimes it just sucks and sometimes it just corney….this is one of those moments….I’ll be DAMNED TO NOT SURVIVE This CRAP!!! And I LOVE you for BEING there for ME  every day…

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4 Responses to I’m Not Caving….no f….way

  1. Pat says:

    Sam – Take a deep deep breathe. I do remember when I had my biiopsy that it hurt like a bitch too. I know that it doesn’t really help but all the emotions you are feeling are very normal. As normal as any of this can be.

  2. Rick Luther says:

    Re modesty, my wife said the same thing. After a while, you just don’t worry about who’s seeing what. Especially at a teaching hospital, there are very young students coming with the doctors. (She insists that a few were teenagers.) When she had mastectomies and reconstruction, she said that they all took turns drawing on her with markers. Hang in there, you’re doing great.

  3. Jeanette Whitt says:

    I’m with you.FUCK CANCER!!! Go away. Sorry I couldn’t make the benefit. I had to
    go on a last minute 2 day trip to Houma Louisiana. Hope it helps out, Mitch and all your friends did a great job. Did you check out Dr. Mc Dougall yet? I have some books and videos. First, Find out what the hell is going on. It’s scary enough without the medical field basking in confusion.

    • Thanks Jet for reading my blog…it helps me to vent like you Would not believe. I go Monday to talk about open surgery…I feel so fucked up since nobody has gotten it right…you have no idea what I’m going through. Just feeling like I’ve had enough with the shop crap, Chris dying and now this!!!WHAT THE FUCK….confusion is in my head..and my heart and my soul….sometimes when I’m sitting here at the computer and just walking from room to room, I think all this is not about me but someone else. I’m somewhere else…I keep separating from myself and watching…do you know what I mean….

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