I Have To Put on my Big Girl Panties and Suck it Up

Yesterday what was supposed to be an hour procedure turned into 6 hours of my day at St.Joseph’s Hospital. And mainly because once again, I had no knowledge that either MD Anderson or The Rose had not given me all my films and test that had been done on me so far. So, St. Josephs had to perform more mammograms, more cat scans and a needle biopsy instead of the stereo tactic procedure that my doctor had ordered.  And ladies….it hurt, probing inside your breast with a needle that the radiologists said to me before he began. “Ms.VanBibber, I’m going to deadened your skin and then give you a shot that will numb your breast and you will only feel a bee sting.” Well, when was the last time you felt a bee sting your boobie? And “if  you feel anything other than pressure, let me know because I don’t want to hurt you!” “Okay” of course, I said “don’t worry I’ll let you know.” The first biopsy of my lymph nodes, I didn’t feel anything, not even the pressure…but howdy Katy, hold on to your hat…what the hell would it have been like without the numbing…cause I kept telling him, “You are HURTING ME, every time the staple sound would hit me, it was painful, I could feel him probing with the needle inside my breast, almost like he was diggin, I could have looked at the screen but the tears running down my face prevented that.  He never stopped, guess he couldn’t, I had to lie absolutely  still motionless and  just bear it. Then he inserted a market on the spot he was biopsied, a tiny piece of metal so the surgeon can spot it and remove it if need to be. That hurt like the dickens. Before he started Mr. Kirk asked me why I wasn’t at MD Anderson. And I told him, well, they lost my paper work and got me mixed up with someone’s  film and gave me the feeling that I would be treated that way throughout my treatment, mixed up, I just couldn’t trust them with my life. I would phone them and NEVER got phone calls back…after them telling me to just give them a call if I had any problems or question….did she really mean that, me thinks not!!!  It is MY LIFE, MY BREAST, isn’t it? Then he said, “well, I read your file and I know you have gone through a lot already and I’m sorry to have to put you through this, but just get ready cause you just got started  and you’re gonna be going through a lot more!” I think he left off the word shit! Yes yes yes, I know, what is the alternative? Live or Die or go through all this shit….just ain’t fair. And this isn’t the first time someone has been so calloused and what I consider rude to me during this! Brutal Honesty….

Well, I guess I should stop my bitching. My roommate just texted me, she just watched somebody die in the Operating Room at Memorial Herman. Started her day off this way. A nurse was on top of the woman giving her CPR when she was wheeled into the OR. I know this must happen a lot in hospitals and that is why medical people are so hardened because they see so much human suffering they have to protect themselves or they too would break down and not be able to do their jobs…so I must get use to this and as my MaMa would say, “Sandra you have to put on your big girl panties and just deal with this.”  Granny and Mother were full of sayings that painted a picture and made you stop in your tracks and think and feel and do. But it always seemed to fit the situation. I was in at the present moment.So, bring it on, I can handle all this shit….I’m going to get well, it may take some time, and while I’m going through this I know I’m going to get angry, be sad, be pissed off as hell but I’m gonna keep on my Big Girl panties cause my MaMa told me too…RIP Dorothy and Sarah, you were wise, And I miss you.

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4 Responses to I Have To Put on my Big Girl Panties and Suck it Up

  1. Me says:

    Sam, I know it’s hard. I can’t tell you that the radiology tech wasn’t being a rude asshole. He very well could have been. But he was right. It’s merely the beginning. And if you’re already ready to cave, you’re not gonna make it. I know you’re strong enough to get through this. And I know your big girl panties are made of steel. Just keep ’em on and you’ll be fine:)
    p.s. I work in the operating room, Crazyhead;)

    • And yes, did you read my whole statement? I know now that he was not rude because of what just happened to you today and even before today, I told you yesterday about putting on my BGP’s and you may have to remind me from time to time to go in my bedroom and get them out of that special drawer and put them on…and I wasn’t about to cave, it fucking hurt and I cried because it hurt and because I hurt for many reasons and all those millions of reasons swirl about when I laying on those tables with people all around me looking at my body…my breast. I just finally stop trying to cover up, whats the sense…you lose all your modesty your sense of self….fuck fuck fuck …I can’t cave but I can be upset and cry…Cindy Peterson sent me this song and I normally would have thought it to be too mushy, too tacky,too corney, too too much…but girl, it hit me in my heart, it hit me in my home….inside of me, allowed me to know its alright to have these feelings….and NO FUCKING WAY do you EVER THINK I’M GIVING UP, I’M CAVING…DON’T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN….Can you hear me YELLING…???All this does seem to corney to me but guess what, it isn’t…its life and sometimes it just sucks and sometimes it just corney….this is one of those moments….I’ll be DAMNED TO NOT SURVIVE This CRAP!!!

  2. Me says:

    Yeah I read it dude. Not saying it’s not ok to cry or to be upset or to be so completely fucked up over this whole thing that you don’t know what to do with yourself. It’s totally ok. I was saying it’s not ok to let this break you. I won’t allow it. And I know everybody else that reads this won’t let you let it break you either. Go ahead and yell if you need to.

  3. Ann Rodgers says:

    No Sam, it doesn’t get any easier when you see a lot of your patients die. We don’t become calloused or cavalier. We learn coping mechanisms that keep us from screaming out loud when the pain is so strong we feel like our hearts may burst. Sometimes we hide the fear, to give hope to that patient who is dying inside because they are so afraid. Even though we may want to crawl away and shout obscenities and gag over the things we see, we can’t give in to this perfectly human behaviour because we are there to help. At times, I know it may be demoralizing, but healthcare workers see so much agony, it shapes that person and they might appear to be unwielding to your particular discomfort. But believe me they know how much you hurt. I can’t imagine anyone in this profession minimalizing any thing you are going through. I’m sorry about the things you have gone through. It shouldn’t have happened. I could just choke the life out of anyone who has hurt you. I’ve been a patient before, it’s not easy or fun. But, in retrospect, I believe that most of the people that took care of me had my best interest at heart. And the ones in the other category, well, it happens in every profession. Some people just don’t care. Sadly. I love you Sam and I’m here for you. I hope this experience will change you in a positive manner. Stay strong and know that there are a lot of people rooting for you.

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