Trying to be normal as I can. Sitting at my desk working on my jewelry makes me forget that I have what I have, that green dodo…I completley forgot for a few minutes, i pick through my parts, matching this and that looking for that little tiny gear and my glue is dripping out of the end of the tube, and Sally scratches the back of my chair, I’m drinking my cup of green tea and the TV is going on in the background with some comedian making jokes. I see parts of a silver chain, what can I do with this, my brain skips around looking in my bins…its a wonderful process, the creative one. I truly haven’t felt like making anything for a while. I have a lot of inventory that I made right after WLN in August so I’m good for the Market tomorrow night. Then I get up and come in here and get on my computer and I remember….DAMN…is this really happening to me….Am I about to have my breasts removed from my body and have to be poisoned with chemo and radiation…this cannot be happening to me…I just separate myself again and think I’m talking about thinking about someone else…not me. Where is that fucking pill that I can take??????????????????/DAMN IT… I know there is a pill, THEY are just not letting us have it because this is a money-making disease….I know there is a cure other than the one they give to us….fuck fuck fuck fuck
I’m so worried about the benefit/party Sunday night, is it my last party…? I am going to see people who I haven’t seen in years and I’m going to be a basket case. I will NEVER be okay with this. It’s not oaky…I hope I don’t get too tired…I’ve been getting real tired at night and I’m not even taking treatments yet. I want to go out dancing…hanging out with the girls…this just sucks…I go to sleep and not for long, and wake up at 1am, 3am 4 am…and the minute I wake up I remember…I just hope I don’t get overwhelmed by all the people..my friends and acquaintances, I even had an old customer from the Westheimer store track me down this week..they saw it in the Leader….did I make this too public? I had a not so level-headed person sending me hate email because I only have a lump in my breast…well…sorry not true…its called cyber harassment…not cool…and why me…please let me alone….
I will try and be my normal fun laughing self tomorrow/Sunday……..let have fun and dance and drink a little beer….dance with me….