Lucy Splained it All

I just want to get the record straight here…my blog is MY sincere thoughts that run through my head. Uncensored…..I do cuss a little too much…but….its my blog and my head and my heart my body …!!!…. I’m sharing with you the reader. You can make ugly comments if you want too, it won’t hurt me but it certainly isn’t nice. I thought long and hard about even writing this down but I decided to do it. I bet a lot of people don’t have the nerve to open themselves up and share what is really going on in that noggin on top of their shoulders. I’m exposing my inner fears and tears and it is not for anyone to judge me, or criticize me. I’m only writing this so other people who are going through something like this know that other people go crazy in their heads and its okay. Writing it all down helps me sort all this mess out. You can send me all your comments and tell me off it makes you feel better. What’s the old saying, Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me. So there…go for it if it makes you feel better. Or the alternative, is delete me…I do not care if you read this at all. THIS IS MY STORY and how I FEEL. Don’t tell me what to do or HOW TO FEEL or THINK….okay…nuf said….and if YOU are reading this, I’m sorry for your life, just don’t give up hope. it’s never over till the end and none but God knows that answer. Bless you…I send you love.

I have yet another biopsy on Wednesday next week…then I will be scheduled for surgery…and the last biopsy will determine just how much and what is to be done…so…I am trying not to worry about the outcome. I’ve looked at pictures of breast reconstruction and the outcome of the total removal….I guess I need to lose a part of me to find me….is that what this is all about?…if I lose my girls, I will have nice repros…..that is what I’m going to call them, my repros…but that may not happen…I just have to wait….waiting for tests…damn it…sometimes when I am writing this blog, tears stream down my face….as now. I have to grieve all this please people…get off my case….well one people…I live in my head way too much….but don’t you too?  I give up to be alive.They don’t even know if its spread yet…so, I gotta stay positive…and I am..this writing helps me with my fears…I cry because as my friend said to me, Crying is watering the garden of your soul.

Lucille Ball said:Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.

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7 Responses to Lucy Splained it All

  1. Amanda Lester says:

    SAM!!! Whos ass do I need to kick for leaving you mean comments. People are such assholes. I love you bunches and cried for a good hour reading you whole blog. You are not just your boobs and hair, you are so much more!! I know you will kick some cancer ass cause that is how you roll. Email me your home address so I can stop by and visit sometime. XOXO

    • I wish I knew Amanda…but she is not doing so good as she too has cancer.She has a right to get angry but I didn’t deserve what she said to me…not even knowing a thing about me it was a bad judgement call. I got the sweetest message from Trudy…looking forward to seeing you both…and come over anytime….

    • anne carillo says:

      Sam: You paint such a vivid picture of what you are going through. This blog should be published. It speaks to all the people who have had to wade through the serpentine buerocracy of the health care system.

  2. Ann Rodgers says:

    Ohhh Baby, I’m crying with you as I read this……It’s hard right? but we’ll get through this….the tears that reach my chin are the beginnings of my healing. A friend told me that tonight. I love you Sam.

  3. I love you too Ms.Annie….

  4. Laurin says:

    Sam, we have not formally met…but your blog really touches me. I am sad that anyone would say anything negative to you. I love the thought” Crying is watering the garden of your soul.” I write and garden and both are very cathartic. You are being brave and that is very difficult. Your rants and anger…your sadness and fear seem very appropriate…and I think getting it out is good for you. I feel honored to share your journey via your blog. I have had some rough patches in life and with out tears and friends I would have never got through them. I am praying for you Sam….I hope to meet you in person! I am sending you wishes of love, life, peace and laughter and big hugs.

    • HEllo Laurin, Thank you so much for your kind words. The lady that was ugly to me is not doing so well and she too cancer She does not know me and lashed out at me…it was not necessary but I just wished her love…and as you read in my blog. I don’t feel so brave sometimes, but I keep trying till I get it right. I do, however, have enough Spiritual friends that keep me on the track and I’m making them work extra hard right now. I do believe that I left out a couple of words on my quote…Crying is the watering of the garden of your soul to make it grow….same meaning but a little more better, don’t cha think? Thank you again and walk with me down this path to a club that nobody wants to be a member of….this disease makes you all melodramatic….I’m pretty laid back person but now, I getting all hyper aggressive to get this thing out of me and demanding to my medical care. You can’t stand by and wait for them to call you. A woman told me that early on, a survivor, dont wait on them to call….go do it yourself.
      Thanks for reading my blog, its exactly what i want people to do and women to get mammograms…I waited too long and thought it was never going to happen to me……

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