Today, I’m getting my hair cut and this will probably be the last hair cut and style till the chemo styles my hair….bastard…..  You know what is really weird about all this whole cancer thing? I can write all this down, but it still doesn’t feel like I’m writing about me. It’s like I’ve separated myself and from me,I’m sitting here at the computer typing all my thoughts out but yet, its not really me…this isn’t happening to me can’t be.  Now I going to get calls from those of you that are therapist  and psychiatrist ….I’m losing my mind, I’m not in reality…well,..don’t know what to tell you but this is what is happening. Hard to explain. I put the real woman to sleep for a while and will call her back out to play again later….told yall I’m mad, insane woman.

I go today to get my hair cut because it is just needing to shape up and I will talk to my hairdresser about my hair future. At first I thought I would be in your face with my big bald head…but I’m not so sure….I will proably lose my eyelashes and eyebrows…will they grow back…I don’t know…am I going to ever look like myself again? Will I look like a freak? Will I still be attractive to the opposite sex?I don’t know, I can’t answer these questions but do I have a choice…NO…I have to be alive…as a woman, I’ve always been very conscious of my looks, I’ve always taken pride and special care of my hair and my body. Am I so shallow that I worry what people will think of me, judge me by the way I look rather than whats inside of me? This is just WAYYYYYYYYY TO MUCH to deal with….acceptance of this disease is a bitch….it racks your whole being…nothing is left alone…your outside and your inside….I keep wondering what I am going to be like when this is all over…am I worrying too much? I just read an article from Deprak Chopra…about worrying…did he ever had cancer? Fuck all that…how can you not worry?Wonder?speculate? cry cry cry scream inside…

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4 Responses to HAIR ISSUES

  1. Pat says:

    I am a TWELVE year Survivor. Losing my hair was a very big worry for me. I had hair down to my waist so went and got a short bob before chemo and once I started treatment and the hair fell out it was not has bad as I had envisioned. I did 6 treatments in four months and by the sixth monthsmy hair was coming back. Just keep your “wacky” attitude and laugh at yourself when you get down and you will live through this. In the big picture hair is not the most important thing.

    • Thanks for writing to me….I haven’t even gotten my treatment plan yet. Still want to do yet another biopsy. tonight, I feel bad…did you ever just feel bad and you couldn’t put your finger on it? And the hair, my hair is long but not as long as your was. I started to get mine cut off short, but I just couldn’t do it. I look dorkiefied with short hair…so, its pink and green wigs for me I guess and it will be winter and my head will be cold otherwise. But the Dr. Said I would not have to get chemo if the tumor is negative…but a radical mas….oh my, that is not feel ing so good to me. I go next wed for last biospy before then the big stuff starts. And I know…hair grows back but I’ve been a red head with white underneath for many years…guess I get to go white now!!! Thanks for the words of encourgement. And I am Wacky….I love it….Thanks….12 years is a good long time….

  2. anne carillo says:

    Sam: You are not Crazy. You are dealing with this issue in your life in a very healthy, appropriate manner.

  3. Pat says:

    I know that today is your second biopsy and what a stressful day (if you can have more stress in your life) for you. Hope it goes well I will say many prayers for you.
    Hang tough

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