Meditating is not as easy as some people think. Turning my brain off is one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried. And I’m working hard trying to get this thing called meditating…they tell me it will make me better and I will try just about anything to feel better, calmer, together in my head…. and I am trying to heal my heart, and soul. I feel so damaged…now
My oldest friend in the world called me last night and made me get up and look at a new weekly show that has come on Showtime…“The Big C”…and guess what it is about…yup!!! And if you have time to look at it…whoever wrote this show, whoever that is acting in this show(can’t think of her name at the moment) knows exactly what a person with C feels like…..the anger, the resistance, the confusion,the way you look at life in one moment that you are told, You Have CanCEr.…your whole attitude changes. You no longer CARE what other people think about you, I mean the Jones, those people and I have never cared much what people thought of me and I don’t mean that in a bad way, just been my own person and did my own thing all my life, always heard a different drummer in my head never was a copy cat, never did what other people thought was the right thing what was normal for most people never worked for me…I discovered a vintage dress in an antique store in Memphis when I was 19 years old….I still have it in my closet today…it started me on an adventure of seeking out wonderful beautiful dress from times gone by…they made me feel special when I wore them, it was almost like I could feel the first person that owned the dress and I became that woman….no matter if it was shoes, a hat or a purse….I could feel her….. I wore old clothes from eras gone by, and before that I made my clothes, I adore beautiful fabrics like rayons, silks and cottons, I found beauty in things that other people didn’t, they thought they should be thrown away, discared…to me wearing a vintage dress made of the most luxurious silk from the 1930s made me feel like a beautiful woman who has a secret and no one knows my secret …. much more comfortable and beautiful and special in vintage clothing than a brand new dress from a department store. I didn’t do it to be different, I truly had and have a passion for lovely old dresses,blouses, skirts, lingerie shoes…. from the 1930s and 40s……they suited me so well….
When you hear those words.. life feels like it is on a merry-go-round, your life and it is spinning so fast that you can’t make sense of anything anymore, you reach out and grab for the silver ring and can’t get the damn thing in your hand……frustration, I’m spinning and spinning. Your friends love you and they all try to tell you how much they do and you become so grateful the gratefulness eke out of your pours…you love hard and hate hard and try to make sense of the present moment. I keep saying I feel like I’m in “Alice in Wonderland” except its Sam In Wonderland. This is a movie I’m trapped inside of and I’m the main character and I’m watching myself… So many people have reached out to me, I’m in shock and awe at the kindness. I want to grab a hold of someones hand and hold on tight and I want my MaMa to make this all go away. I keep looking at my friend Rick’s facebook page to see if maybe he is still here and posting something funny for me to read. I still have his name in my cell phone…..I want him to call me from heaven if there is such a place, the hotel in the sky…. I do not have any idea what I have just typed. I hope everyone still likes me when I come out on the other side, and oh yes, I’m coming out of this and fast…but I know I’m changing….everything about me is changing.I’m remodeling my life right now and I certainly hope you like it when I’m through.
Please don’t thinkI’m losing my mind…I’m just busy sorting out things.