No new is driving my boat up on a dry dock…

That’s sounds nuts doesn’t it? Well, I’m feeling pretty nutso right now. Navigator at The rose told me today that I was going to hear my treatment plan and she would call me. I finally about 3pm sent an email asking if there was any news? Am I approved for Medicaid, or have the doctors discussed my treatment plan yet? No no no no no…and I have been in a shit mood all night. And when I find out, I will probably be in a shit mood then too…so…go ahead and say it, I’m not being positive…I can’t control anything right now. I’m going to work a part time job with an artist friend tomorrow and the rest of the week, which I’m soooo grateful for since my brain will have to think something else…I spoke to yet another survivor this evening. Seems I’m in a club that the members hate for a while then when they graduate they are happy and thankful…welll CRAP. Did I ask to join? this is like being in Alice in Wonderland movie…everything is unreal, surreal, kooky, off the wall…and its my life. They tell me that you get chemo brain and can’t remember anything! Well, I aleady have it…I forgot to pick up my roommate at work today…I got all wrapped up in a little art project, then lost it, walked all over the house looking for it and when she called me I hadn’t even dressed or showered for the day at 3pm. Where does the day go? I’m going to be so happy to do something normal…go to work…something that I don’t have to lift up my arm and furthur irriate the lumps under my arm pit….God forbid , my arm will double in size if I keep using my arm. that is why I had to quit my part time job at Fiesta….yes, checking groceries…making minimum wage and I had to QUIT…do you know how long it took me to get any job? Its hard enough out there and …so any work I can do without lifting anything is appreciated…if anyone out there is reading my blog here…I’ve cried only once today, called a male friend because he always makes me laugh at myself…his honesty is welcomed. He has a huge heart. My head is jumbled up mumbo….I know when I do find out, I will be a wreck too until I process it and deal with it in my head.
I have so many many loving friends holding me up. I am so blessed beyond belief…but only I have to go through this alone…but a friend will be by my side. This is my newest affirmation: I am well and cancer free, this is just a part of my long journey to enlightenment and total wellness. What do you think? Should I say this a zillion times every day…got any good ones for me….

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2 Responses to No new is driving my boat up on a dry dock…

  1. Leslie Sirag says:

    Sam, go to the library & find some diabetic & whole foods cookbooks–Moosewood & Vegetarian Epicure are good ones, but there are others. Also try Adele Davis and some mediterranean stuff–it’s possible to eat healthy, bake, and not suffer too much–just takes some planning.
    Hang in there–that part at least will get easier.
    The waiting is the worst–once you have something concrete to do you can do it. Watch a funny movie–laughter is good medicine.
    And remember that a LOT of people care about you. Leslie

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