I am not censoring any of my thoughts..so if you don’t like to read raw material..skip this blog…..

Since its almost Sunday morning, I think i can officially post this as a daily thought….but I have too many thoughts. I spoke in length to a friend that went through this a couple years ago….it is not pretty…I have to wait till Monday to find out my treatment and then make a choice as to where I want to go and get slaughtered….I just cannot imagine me without breasts…THey have gotten me into a lot of situations…good and bad over my lifetime…and I love them… I have always been naturally blessed with beautiful breasts…. and now they tell me I can have implants…shit…I just want to cry…I cry and cry and cry…sometimes I can’t stop but to go to sleep  I’m so fucking mad right now…I was told to NOT say that WORD….that starts with a W……..?..by the people at the Rose…never say that…I want to blame somebody or something for this. The surgeon that did my biopsy implied that taking natural compounds hormones for 10+ years after hysterectomy may have caused it…but damn it…they kept me young and supple…what the fuck…I’m alone, no relatives, no husband, no boyfriend..I have my girls, my girlfriends…they promise to take care of me…I have to learn to trust people…I have no choice. I so grateful that I have friends that love me .   I can’t sleep at night, I sleep in the day time, taking naps…damn it…not a good night for me here…I wish I was the kind of person that could just drink and not feel anything…I don’t like to get drunk to forget because you remember sometime the next day as you are hugging the toilet. I stopped that business a long time ago.

Had to quit my job, I should be at work right now…but I can’t lift anything with my left arm because the cancer will get irritated and my lymph nodes wil swell up and make my arm large and it is permanent…it doesn’t go down…well, hell, I’m not lifting anything…just forget that…I’m tired I’m going to lay down. Sorry, I’m writing this to let out my feelings…so, if cussins and swearing bothers you, stop reading this blog now….I’m pretty damn pissed off…and I want this out of me….I didn’t ask for it…take it away God…take it away….

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One Response to I am not censoring any of my thoughts..so if you don’t like to read raw material..skip this blog…..

  1. Michael-Ann says:

    Dear sparkling Sam, You are by far way greater than any dangly bits or pieces. You are a rare and wonderful jewel of a woman with the most marvelous sense of humor. You are like no other woman I have ever met, the ONLY woman I have ever known who upon the moment I see you, can instantly make me feel happy. I love you dearly and have admired you since the day we met. I am a little ashamed to learn you are going through this in a blog, If I lived closer and spent more time with you, I would have been with you and Bonnie when you went to the Doctor that day, or at least been able to hug you when you got home. I am so very sorry that you are hurting right now. Please don’t give up the fight, even though it is not fair for you to have to fight this, your spirit can outshine anything…even this. I love you Sam!

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