I’ve got WHAT! Noooooo

I went to the Rose for a conference with the physician that did my biopsy on Thursday August 12. Bonnie Blue went with me for moral support and the fact that my old car can’t be driven on the freeway. When the doctor walked into the room she said immediately without an ounce of hesitation , “Ms VanBibber you have breast cancer”…I could not respond for what seemed like hours…I just sat there and stared at her then I started laughing…I said, oh no, not me you must be mistaken….. And she said to me, “Yes, I’m sorry but you do.!!!” i said to her, “What a horrible job you have telling people this bad news! I wouldn’t want your job”    I started laughing and crying at the same time, I think that is called hysteria, so many things went through my brain I couldn’t process anything. DEATH was the first thing, THen…worse than death, HA !!!! I was going to lose my breasts and my hair…I said, “you don’t know how much I’ve been through in this past year, and and you can’t do this to me,… all I am is boobs and hair….”she stood up and said, “I’m an old lady and I don’t lie to people and you are much more than that Ms.VanBibber, much more than that.”Boobs and hair!!!, Welcome to my new world…the world of denial….and it didn’t last long. As the thoughts of CANCER in my BODY sunk in I could not wrap my head around it as quickly as I let the words in….. QUESTIONS…SCREAMMING inside me…nono no…my anguish was over the top. It’s hard to say what exactly was racing through my mind…what had I done to myself to have CANCER. The thing every person does not want to her… dreads to hear the most.I couldn’t hold my head up, I couldn’t think, I was thinking too much…my life was over, yet I was still alive…I don’t know what to do…how can I fix this? Help? I felt like I was drowning…this happens to other people…not me..My emotions were so off the chart I felt like I was going to implode. It’s hard to relive this moment in time to type it out…it hurts, I’m hurting…I hurt…I want my MaMa…

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2 Responses to I’ve got WHAT! Noooooo

  1. Ann Rodgers says:

    Sam, I’ve been through a similar situation. It’s not easy. But like the old cliche’ what don’t killya will make you stronger. It changes your whole perspective. I grew a lot from that experience. I had to. It was out of my control. But I faced it and went on living. There was only one other alternative. I found out that I had a lot of stamina. And I kept on living despite the odds. Maybe there is a choice. I understand that now.

    • Thanks for the long phone call and I’m sooo sorry about Harley…I know he IS your BABY…I HAVE two Babies and I don’t know right now if I lost one of them…all I got left in the world are my furry babies…thanks for your words of encouragement…I need all that stuff I can get.

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