It’s almost Thanksgiving which means, I’ve been writing this blog for a little over a year now…oh how my life has changed. I have survived cancer but it seems it has no end. I go today for a complete heart and lung checkup and stress test…you know, the kind people tell you that you walk run on a treadmill! Boy…don’t think I’m gonna pass. I still have trouble walking because the radiation took my strength away and hasn’t given it back. I do good walking my boyfriends dog from the apartment to the end of the street and back. (psst…I said boyfriend! later on that!!!) Friday, I go in for the removal of the port that was placed in my chest for my chemo infusions, surgery again…I’m not prepared in my head yet. I would like to say that I take all this MDA treatments in stride but I don’t….I try so hard not to worry, to be afraid that I won’t make it through another procedure, to face this alone…cause no one can do it for you…they can just hold your hand and watch you cry…we are alone in our misery…only those that had stood in our shoes know how we really feel…to have cancer is more than a life changing situation…it is life altering and you only can hope and put trust in your physicians and care takers that they are doing the right thing for you. It is one scary road and having friends by your side is so important and I was one lucky girl. I had no idea that so many people cared about me until I got sick. Frankly, it was overwhelming sometimes to think that it took me almost dying to find out that I was loved…maybe that was one of my lessons…cause I never felt that way before. I always felt small and worthless… But this time last year, I was starting on this long journey with my first chemo the weekend after Thanksgiving….and folks, I didn’t think I was going to make it to the other end…but here I am still here and I kicked and screamed and cried and cried a lot…and complained to you so I could get it out of my head. And you read all my words and told me to keep on keeping on…and sent your love and healing wishes to me…and now I’m on the other side today. Your love helped me live….and there are no words or actions I can find to say how this made me feel. I had no idea that I was so important and loved by so many people….I am one grateful woman today….
My body will never be the same…my hair is short and gray and curly, not what it use to be…long and red..oh yeah, I dyed my hair for so many years, I forgot what color it really was but it was me! My Mother had red hair in her coffin…we were both born with beautiful fast growing auburn hair….I get compliments on my new look but I look in the mirror and I don’t see myself….my nails have mostly grown back but they still have lingering brown lines on the ends and my toenails will never be the same. I have to bath my skin constantly in coconut oil to keep my skin supple and of course, I have only one breast but the good news is…my new and remodeled self is still here on the planet earth. Going through the pains of this disease has taught me so much not only about myself but about human nature. The good part of humans and the bad part too. Yes, there was some ugliness too and that too has been part of my growing as a person…. forgiveness and karma. I soooo believe in both of those things…. I received so many gifts and love from so many people…most of them I knew and some I didn’t even know and have never met..total strangers…so much kindness.
I have so much to share and tell you but I have to go now to my appointment. I am so full of gratitude today.